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January 4, 2009 - I came home from the hospital on Saturday, December 20, 2008. I was extremely tired and I wanted to go home to some peace and quiet. I had gotten pretty edgy from all of the ringing and dinging while I was in the hospital. I decided not to get my prescriptions filled immediately since I was just going home and going straight to bed. I wanted to take a look at each prescription to make sure that I didn't have some of the same medicines at home and had planned to get them filled on the next day.
So Gerald and I got home and he gave me a buzzer (from one of our children's games) to use in case I needed him throughout the night. I knew he was tired too because he'd been handling the girls during the week and coming to see me each day, so I told him that I wouldn't be using the buzzer. He needed to get some rest too. He slept in our bed and I slept on our recliner. I must have gone to sleep around 10 pm and it really felt good to be home.
Sometime between 2am and 3am, I was awakened by my heart. I would always hear it first.....BOOM BOOM! BOOM BOOM! BOOM BOOM!  I sat straight up again. Then, I'd feel it. OH NO!!!!! Everytime my heartrate increased, it seemed as if my heart would literally rock my body. My body was gently swaying in a rocking motion and this was most unnerving to me. My grandmother used to have a big dookie green car that we called the "Green Gremlin".  Everytime she'd start the car, it would shake and put put like it would give out at any moment, but it never did. It just rocked.  This is what kept coming to my mind. So, I was torn between calling 911 or buzzing Gerald, cause I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to get up or open my mouth because I was petrified. I buzzed Gerald. He came to me and asked if I was OK. And me, trying to stay calm, although I was really anything but that, told him that maybe I needed to get the Metroprolol (heart medicine) prescription filled. I really didn't want to go to the emergency room. No problem. Where's the nearest 24 hour pharmacy? Although only a few minutes had gone by, it seemed as if an eternity had passed by the time we thought about one. Think. Think. We found a pharmacy and called them and told them what we were coming for. As Gerald was preparing to leave to go to the pharmacy, I decided that I didn't want to stay home alone and that I should go with him. I walked to the door and by then, the weather had turned cold. The cold air hit me and then I decided that maybe I should stay home. If it took him too long to get back, I was just gonna call 911. So he left and went to the pharmacy and he was back home within 30 minutes. WHEW! He'd returned with my prescription and a blood pressure machine. Great! This would allow me to at least take my blood pressure and get an idea of how my heart rate was doing before I made any unnecessary calls or trips to the ER. I took the Metroprolol as prescribed and we figured out how to work the blood pressure machine. My blood pressure and heart rate were both elevated. My hands and feet were extremely cold and I was thirsty again and urinating quite often. Gerald stayed up with me for a while (cause by then it was clear that I wasn't going to sleep).
I thought that the blood pressure machine was a good thing to have, and it was, but it made me turn into a obsessive compulsive mad woman!  As that Sunday morning progressed and by early afternoon, after I'd taken my blood pressure every hour on the hour, I started talking to myself (cause that's what I do. Ya know?) "Ronnetta, you have got to get up and clean yourself up, get something to eat and just get yourself together. You've gotta do better than this sweetheart. It's not good for you to sit here all day like this. The only way you're going to feel better is if you get up!" So, I decided that I was right and I got up so that I could go take a shower. As I got up, so did my odor. It followed me like a stink bomb! PEEEEEE---UUUUUUUUUWWWWW! Was THAT ME? Oh my goodness. I was one stinky mama. As Gerald later told me, "Yea, you were pretty tart!" (Now I know why everyone who came to visit me in the hospital, stayed at a distance.) I took a shower and I did feel a little better. I still didn't have much of an appetite though and I still stayed in my recliner all day, taking my blood pressure every hour.
Later that evening, two of our cousins came by to see me and I was still not feeling my best. I was afraid to talk because my blood pressure was still high and I thought that if I said too much I'd start crying and work my heart too much. So I just sat there for the most part stoicly. Shon brought my youngest daughter to me afterwards and I immediately started feeling better. Dare I say it? I even felt "normal". Jaysen came in the house and she saw Gerald first and she ran to him excitedly, "Hi Daddy!" Then she saw me, "Hi Mommie!" She ran to me and gave me a big hug. She was excited and jumping around - full of energy. I was excited. I really missed my girls! THAT was it! This was my cure! I just missed my children! (Do I need a life or what?!) After I looked at my blood pressure log, my pressure was within normal ranges during this time. I still recorded my blood pressure that night throughout the night, but I wasn't so edgy.
Monday, December 22 arrived and Gerald needed to go to work. Our girls were not at home and he didn't want me home alone. My girlfriend Cynthia had called him and told him that she'd stop by to keep me company. I didn't put up a fuss because a part of me didn't want to be home alone either. He cooked me a light breakfast and left. I was feeling a little better, convinced that all I needed was my girls home with me. (I had not seen my older girls since the week before. Gerald brought them to the hospital one night, but they were there very briefly and I had talked to them a few times that week, but each time I remember being extremely exhausted.)
Cynthia came by and brought me something to eat that afternoon. I'd requested and received a Sonic burger, tater tots and dum..dum...da...dum....a Dr. Pepper. (Now, those who know me know that I drink primarily water with most of my meals. I rarely drink soda and other flavored drinks. So when I DO have a soda, it is usually VERY good.) Aside from my constant blood pressure monitoring, I was having a decent day. I felt like my appetite had returned. I started to eat as I talked to Cynthia and I knew I was at least a little bit better. She stayed with me for some time and then she left as Gerald was on his way home. It seemed that she was gone all of five minutes when....BOOM BOOM! BOOM BOOM! BOOM BOOM! My heart was pounding. OH NO!!!! Ooops.....was it the Dr. Pepper? I started to panic again. My blood pressure was REALLY high then....162/109 and my heartrate was 132.  Awe naw! I called my plastic surgeon's office. I called the cardiologist's office. I called the pharmacy. I called Gerald. I called Cynthia. My mind was racing again. My body was rocking. I started to get sad. Eventually Gerald got home and by then I'd talked to the cardiologist and told him what happened and he told me that I could take another Metroprolol and that I could increase my dosage to one pill, two times a day. I felt a little better. My pressure and heart rate remained elevated throughout the night.
I was scheduled to go to my plastic surgeon's office on December 22 to have my drainage tubes removed. (I had four - two in the breast area and one on each side near the hip area.) My appointment was for 10am. I had taken a shower and gotten dressed, but I imagine that I looked pretty much like I felt - like crap. If you would have seen me, you would have thought that I'd been living in the streets. Gerald drove me to my appointment and again I tried to encourage myself and I thought that maybe I just needed to get out of the house. Gerald needed to complete a few things before Christmas at the office, so I told him that he could drop me off and go do what he needed to do and that I would call him when I was ready for him to pick me up. I didn't expect this visit to last too long. I only needed the tubes removed.
I brought my blood pressure log and showed it to the nurse in my plastic surgeon's office. She and the physician's assistant were there. They talked to me about my hospital experience and I felt their compassion. (OK....so maybe it was just ME last week!) They recommended that since I was already there that I stop by the cardiologist's office for him to take a look at my log. Perhaps it would make me feel better since I WAS very frazzled. I did. I went to his office and his receptionist was there to greet me. I wasn't in the mood for her and maybe she saw it on my face as I told her that I had no appointment but that I needed to see the doctor. She didn't ask me for my $40 copay. She only asked me to sit while she figured out if she could "squeeze" me in. (I was willing to beg.) She then called me back up and told me that he could see me at 1:30pm. I told her that I would be right there. Great. I left. I got on the elevator and that's when they snuck up on me. My tears invaded me suddenly and as I rode the elevator down, I started crying like a baby. 
I needed someplace to go so I went to a deli in the lobby area. I decided that I should buy something so I could sit down and cry my heart out. I settled on a banana and I sat down and boo hooed. I was crying so hard that when I called Gerald, I could not get a word out. Him: "Hello." Me: "Sniff. Sniff. Waaaaaa!" Him: "I'll be right there. I'm coming to the place where I dropped you off!" Me: "No....I'm alright." I was lying. Although I didn't know WHAT was really wrong with me, I did know that I was NOT alright! I called Sydney. Same thing. I could not get a word out of my mouth. (I hate when this happens!) I eventually told her that I just needed to cry. I just felt like crying. And I did. I could feel my heart pounding the whole time. I was just not having a great day.
Gerald came and picked me up. I had some time before my appointment. He took me to get some lunch. That was thoughtful, but I wasn't really hungry. I tried to eat. He thought I needed to "open up" and stop holding so much inside. Yea, maybe he was right, but there wasn't much I was holding in. He knew everything that had been bugging me and he knew how I'd felt about my experience in the hospital. Anything else, wasn't relevant. I told him that I missed our girls and that they needed to come home that very day. He tried convincing me to just let them stay where they were and that they'd be home soon. NO. I WANTED MY GIRLS. THAT'S what I needed. All I wanted was for them to come home so that I could hug and love them.
We went back to the cardiologist's office and I had calmed down a bit before we were called back to see him. He came in and I told him everything and he asked me several questions and he asked me if I'd received a blood transfusion. "No" I replied. Then Gerald says, "Yes you did." Oh my goodness! "I did?" My heart really started pounding! Apparently I had received my blood that I'd donated after the 2nd surgery I'd had. I had no idea. So the cardiologist pulled my hospital report and I told him about my cold hands and feet, about my heartrate and these feelings that I'd been having. I told him that I needed something to calm down because I was on the verge of losing my mind. I told him that I did not want the anti-anxiety medicine, Ativan that I'd received in the hospital. He recommended a drug called Lexapro. It was an anti-depressant with anti-anxiety benefits. Although it would take a week or more for me to feel any difference, it would not leave me feeling "crazy" like the Ativan did. OK. Give it to me. He gave me another prescription for some Metroprolol, since he'd increased the dosage and he gave me a prescription for the Lexapro. He wanted to see me in a month and planned to wean me off of the Metroprolol and Lexapro probably in six months. Wean me? Uhm...OK. I left his office and I felt a little better.
I went home and I really began to wonder how I ever ended up in the position I was in. I mean....I was healthy. My heart was healthy. I saw it with my own eyes. How did I end up having to take heart medication and possibly an anti-depressant? What was really going on? I asked Gerald to take the Lexapro prescription to be filled. I was gonna do it. I needed relief. But then, the more I thought about it, I thought that if I would not feel any effects of the Lexapro for a week or more, then why take it? I wanted immediate relief. I decided not to pick up the prescription. I did not want to be "weaned" from anything.
My girls came home that night and again, I felt immediately better. I KNEW, that they were what I needed. My blood pressure and heart rate began to normalize and after Cynthia convinced me to cut it out, I stopped taking my blood pressure around the clock. At her urging, I only did it when I woke up and before I went to bed. This was so helpful because before then I could not concentrate on anything else. Golly gee. This was so crazy!
My blood pressure and heart rate have remained within a normal range. I have only had to take the Metroprolol twice and I have not had any panic heart rate elevations like I did before. I decided to stop recording my blood pressure daily as of the beginning of the year. I just don't want this to be a part of my lifestyle, so I had to give it up.
Although I am much better, I am still healing. To those of you who saw me when I wasn't my best and you weren't used to me being in a funk, thank you for being there. To everyone who helped with my girls.....please know I REALLY appreciate you. My girls are unabashedly assertive and can be quite a handful. To those of you checked on me and to those who waited (after receiving Gerald's email) to call, thank you. After my cell phone rang constantly (as he tells it), he sent out several email updates during the week about what was going on while I was in the hospital and on the last email he asked that the phone calls be kept to a minimum. Once I told him that several of my friends were hesitant to call, he felt bad. He says he didn't mean it in a controlling manner. He just knew how panicky I was at the time and again, he was right.
Of all of the prescriptions that I was sent home with, I am currently taking no medication. Yea! I am not feeling so "nutty" theses days and I am certain that I'll return to "normal" in no time.
What's next? I'm not sure. Would I recommend the DIEP Flap procedure to anyone else? Certainly. Will I seek another form of breast reconstruction? I won't say that I'll "never" try another form of reconstruction. (Remember the cardiologist that I planned to NEVER see again?) Uhm...the answer, however, is a resounding NO for now. (But, you must know that I'm no quitter! Who knows what I'll do? In any case, whatever my plans turn out to be, you can be certain that I'll write about it.)
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