I'm not a fan of Oxycodone... it was a quick relationship- and now its over.

My latest story starts back on Wednesday when my shortness of breath began to be more substantial... causing me to sometimes have to stop and think about breathing so I wouldn't have a spaz attack.  We thought maybe it was the muggy weather compounded by my utter lack of being able to exercise since my mastectomy surgery in March... so I thought no too much of it until Thursday morning.  I woke up somewhat out of breath, completely drained and unbelievably emotional.  I left a message for Joeby at work to let her know that I would not be in- trying desperately to hold my composure and not start crying at 7:30 in the morning on her answering machine.

Todd came over numerous times that morning to comfort me- thank heavens that he works right next door!  I was able to get a quick appt in to see Wendy where they did a sporameter (sp?) test to find that I was only breathing out 46% of the air I should've been.  My lungs sounded fine- but something obviously was hindering my breathing.  I went in the next day to have a chest xray at the Elliot.  Quick in and out at 8:00 in the morning.  Todd dropped me off at work and I continued thru the rest of my day.  My chest pain had also increasingly gotten worse again- but we waived that off due to the physical therapy I had started last week.

The call from Susan at around 2:30- litterally minutes before I was going to call her to check in.  They had found fluid in my lungs- that was the trouble I was having.  If it was pneumonia or some sort of infection- I would have some sort of fever... but alas- none.  This was probably having to do with the cancer.  My doctor at Dana Farber called me to discuss what we should do.  Over much frustration and tears - we decided i would come in Saturday for a ct scan of the chest, abodomen and pelvis down at Brigham & Women's in Boston at 6pm and then on Monday would go in to see her to discuss other treatments.  If this pain and the fluid was due to the cancer- it was obvious that the hormonal therapy wasn't working.  Am I convinced... no... I am still holding out hope that my chest pain is muscular... and this fluid is just a minor complication...but we won't know for sure until we see the ct scan.... which- has been an event in itself.

Saturday morning it took over 2 hours to get me out of bed, showered and some breakfast in me.  Mornings tend to be the absolute hardest- whether its the lack of sleep, the feeling of comfort snuggled in my bed, or the fact that I just don't feel like doing anything... it always takes some coaxing- if not by Todd- then by my brain telling me to get my lazy "butt" out of bed!  So Todd lovingly brought me some breakfast in bed - which I finished at the dining room table.  I have not been very hungary at all for the past few days which is SO not like me! Me and food are best of friends... but lately- can't say that I love it.  Just haven't had an appetite- which I never thought would happen! Even on chemo- when I wasn't in the mood to eat- there was always something that would interest me... and no- it wasn't always good for me.

So I took an Oxycodone yesterday morning as directed.  I opted out on all the other drugs Iwas prescribed- to see if this new, more powerful, pain drug would solve all problems.  I knew I had to eat something with it- so I managed to eat the two waffles and some orange juice.
We then were off to run errands and go to the beach.  It was cousin's day at the cottage- all of Todd's cousins, his sister and all their kids- 7 girls and 2 boys- all under the age of 8 I believe.  There to meet all together for the first time in years!  Todd's grandmother and parents were there too. On the way- we were stuck in huge amounts of traffic as we had gotten a late start (thanks to me).  I was feeling AWESOME- no chest pain what-so-ever!!!  But then... I started feeling a little dizzy... then a little nauseaus... and then knew i was going to be in for it.  This was a long acting med that was good for 12 hours- we were only 3 hours into it.  We got some lunch and I slowing picked at a salad while we drove to the cottage.  By the time we got there- I was feeling much better- but not 100%.  It was great to visit with everyone- I only wish I had been in better shape - or the shape I was just 2 hours earlier.  The smiles on their faces... and my niece's singing of The Little Mermaid... and my nephew's somewhat complex facial expressions- helped to lighten my mood.  Then it seemed to go downhill- 2:45 to be exact.  I went to lay in the truck while Todd visited some more.  Then made the rounds to say goodbye trying not to fall over from dizziness or nauseau and we started the treck to Boston.

I can't say I'm a fan of too high of a dose of Oxycodone on a not so full stomach in a moving vehicle for over 2 hours.  I too am not a fan of pulling over on a four lane highway so that I can get sick out of the car door.  That was our trip to Boston.  When we got there- Todd would roll the windows up when we were in traffic so people in the car next to us couldn't hear me getting sick - which normally probably would've been embarassing- but when you feel that bad... it doesnt matter!

We got to the Brigham & Women's hospital on time- at 5 - but Todd had to run to the CVS pharmacy down the block to pick up some anti-nauseau meds that my dr called in for me during our trip down. I sat in the truck in the darkened car garage... silently waiting... He came running back and had me down two of the pills- but not before one last sickness.  Then we walked across the street and down to CT... where there was noone.  This didn't help the already hugely growing anxieties that I was having.  We sat there for 1/2 an hour while Todd walked up and down the hallways and behind "personnel only" doors trying to find somone.  Finally- a woman came out to tell us that we were late- we should've been there at 4:30 b/c i had to drink 2 bottles of this berry flavored, white, Pepto-bismal type concoction for the scan.  I burst into tears.  How could I drink these two bottles after just recently throwing up in a parking garage? There was no mercy... it had to be drink.  Thinking that the anti-nauseau meds would start working- I slowing drank the first bottle in between tears.  Todd as always holding my hand, rubbing my back and cheering me on.  Halfway thru the first bottle I had to run to the bathroom- and got sick again.  There was no way I would be able to complete this.  I had no idea that I would be drinking the contrast- rather than getting it thru IV which is what was done last time.  If I had known this- I would've had todd turn the truck around on the way down and rescheduled it sooner.  So, at that point- Todd got it rescheduled for me for very early Monday morning- before my meeting with my doctor at the dana farber.

The trip back was shorter... and I was able to sleep for a little bit... but got sick all the way home too.  By 9:00 were home and Todd helped me get into bed and eventually I went to sleep.

I'm sure that anyone who knows Todd knows that he is a kind, loving, absolutely beutiful human being... but I know Todd as so very much more than that!  He puts me above all else... and I only wish I could do the same... "when you get better" he says to me as he strokes my short curly hair and wipes the tears from my cheeks.

So... my relationship with that pain killer is over.  It joins the ranks of Percocet (that I took once on an empty stomach and the world spun for 14 hours). 

I haven't had anything today except for 4 Advil- to take the edge of my chest pain.

I am severly not looking forward to driving to Boston tomorrow morning at the butt crack of dawn to face the ct scan waiting room again and drink those two bottles... but it needs to be done... so I will do it... with support of course.

And then we'll figure the next plan of attack...and death to the cancer cells (haven't figured out an alternate name for them yet)!