May 11, 2007 – I felt a “lump” in my left breast while doing a breast exam in the shower.  It can’t be….can it? (as many times as I’d done breast exams, it is always something I’ve dreaded cause the possibility of feeling a lump is very real).  I keep feeling the left breast..then the right one….uhm….nah….it CAN’T really be a lump!  Maybe it’s a clogged milk duct….after all…I now had my 3^rd daughter, Jaysen, whom I’d nursed on the right side only.  The lump I felt was near the incision area of my lumpectomy from 2003.  This was a Friday night.  I decide to call my oncologist on the following Monday and see what he thinks just to take no chances.  I call and schedule to see him at his first available appointment time and that is 2 weeks away – May 25!  In the meantime, I schedule an appointment to see my primary doctor to get a referral cause yes….even though I have breast cancer history and an oncologist that I’ve worked with for four years….for insurance purposes that does not matter…I still needed the reference.  In the meantime, I’m feeling the lump daily, each time hoping that it would go away and that maybe I was wrong about what I was feeling.  I decide that if it IS really a lump, I would have a mastectomy and reconstructive surgery. 

May 25, 2007 – I finally see my oncologist who confirms that this is indeed a lump and tells me that he is going to do a needle biopsy on me.  I’m fine with that until he leaves the room and comes back with the needle.  Ooookaay…you mean you gon do dat now?  No anesthesia?  Huh? Did he know I really don’t like anything that even resembles a needle? (I had to compose myself and quick!)  I wanted to act like a child and scream and have them hold me down while he took the sample…but I remained calm and he took his sample.  (I felt like a grown up for real after this!)  Of course he told me that because my left breast had been treated already with radiation that the tumor was probably benign, nothing to worry about….everything I’d heard 4 years ago.  Ok.  Fine.  I’m ok.  He orders me to get a mammogram and ultrasound.  (It’s rare, I’m finding, to have same day or next day medical appointments.)  The first available time for me to get the mammogram and ultrasound is June 14. 

June 14, 2007 – I have my mammogram and ultrasound.  Since mine are not regular mammograms, but “diagnostic” ones now, they take more time to do.  Next, the ultrasound..okay…they keep coming in and out of the room to get “one more look”.  What does that mean?  Just tell me what yall see!!!  Geesh…I’ve gotta go back to work, I’ve been here too long today!!! 

Week of June 18, 2007 – I get a call from my oncologist that the radiologist who did my ultrasound recommends removal of the tumor.  Okay…gotta schedule an appointment with my surgeon….after I get another referral of course! 

My oncologist calls me to tell me that the needle aspiration biopsy results came back and indicated that the tumor/lump was benign. YEA!!! 

June 28, 2007 – I see my surgeon who examines me and tells me that he has to remove the lump cause the size is too big and they can’t really determine what it is based on the mammogram.  He said the same thing…that it probably was not cancer since it was in the same breast that had received treatment….probably nothing to worry about.  He didn’t offer me much additional info.  He left that to one of his nurses who gave me my options…have the lump removed and tested…if it came back negative…go on with no treatment, if positive for cancer, come back and have mastectomy and treatment; I could have a mastectomy and later come back for reconstruction…nope I couldn’t do it all at once…yes, it’s painful…oh and the surgeon does not do reconstruction.  I would need a plastic surgeon.  What???  Nah….not plastic surgery.  (Boy, did I have a lot to learn.)  Yes, a plastic surgeon would have to perform any reconstruction I wanted.  My options were vast.  Wow!  I tell them that let’s just do the mastectomy and reconstructive surgery and move forward. 

Week of July 2, 2007 – I get a call from my surgeon’s office and the nurse says, “Ronnetta, I regret to inform you….but the surgeon is not covered by your insurance!”  You regret to inform me???  WHAT??!!!!!  Are you sure?  Oh yea and good luck!  What was I gonna do now?  I did halfway like my surgeon.  I had no one in mind and REALLY didn’t want to pull out the insurance book and randomly choose another surgeon.  I called Paula and she recommended her surgeon.  Ok.  I called his office and they could see me the next Tuesday.  Of course, I have to go back to get another referral to see this new surgeon.  (I’ve had it by now with insurance and referrals!) 

July 10, 2007 – I go to meet with the new surgeon and I get there on time and wait.  As I wait and wait, his waiting room fills with people and people are standing in the hallway with no place to sit.  I wait for almost 1 ½ hours when I decide…uhm…I’ll just find someone else.  I don’t have time to sit here for this long, just to speak to a surgeon for 5 minutes or so.  Well, just as I was about to rise to leave, they called my name.  They were so nice to me.  The doctor comes in and I tell him what’s going on.  He examines me and tells me to get dressed and that when he returned, I would have all the time I needed to ask him whatever I wanted.  He meant it!!  He has the calmest demeanor…very gentle.  I think he’s listening to me!!!  I told him the same thing I’d told the other surgeon…let’s do the mastectomy and reconstructive surgery….I didn’t want to have repeat surgery.  Hold on a minute…he calmly told me that I didn’t need to be radical at this point if I didn’t have to….he took his time and thoroughly explained what he thought my options were, reassured me that having my daughter had nothing to do with the tumor, although it was once frowned upon for breast cancer patients/survivors to get pregnant (cause I did get “approval” from both my oncologist and gynecologist before we conceived our daughter), asked me to pray about my decision and to give him a call.  He gave me his cell phone number.  Unbelievable!  I think this doctor REALLY cares!  Where’s he been all this time???

Week of July 23, 2007 – My surgeon calls me on my cell phone and tells me that he’s thought about what I wanted and that there was a test he could do that would probably be a good indicator to determine if the tumor was benign….it was called a mammatone biopsy.  Ok…sounds good to me…when you want me to come in for it?  August 6?  I guess. 

August 6, 2007 – Happy 35^th Birthday to me!  Gerald and I go to see the surgeon.  There’s no wait.  We go right in and he goes to work…numbing my breast with a 22 gauge needle and then using this mammatone machine (I guess) which reminded me of a turkey baster hooked up to a huge machine.  The terminology he used to perform the procedure was probably the scariest for me. I felt pressure, but no pain until it was all over.  He uses the machine to suction out samples of the tumor for testing as he looks on this ultrasound machine to see what he’s doing.  (I’m always in awe when ANY medical procedure is done.)  Gerald could barely stand it.  I think he got nauseated.  We finish up and I’m suddenly feeling very dizzy and really want to go home, BUT my girls were looking forward to surprising me with dinner at PF Changs.  Any other day, I would have loved to have gone, but I really felt weak.  I go anyway…sore and all and my girls enjoyed their meal.  I finally get home and go to bed early.  My results would be back the next evening or the following morning for sure.

August 7, 8 & 9, 2007 – No news.  Waiting for results is one of the hardest things for me to do, I’ve learned. I call Wednesday and they tell me that the results are not in. I call Thursday and the nurse tells me that the results are in but the doctor is off that day.  Okay….if it were something to be concerned about, he would have called me…or I hoped he would.  Shortly after I hung up the phone with the nurse, the surgeon calls.  Why are you calling me on your day off dude? He told me that the results were back and that they indicated something called ‘atypical ductal hyperplasma’, which is not cancer, but is “suspicious of cancer”.  Foreign to me, but ok.  I don’t remember anything that he said after that….everything was a blur.  I call him the next day I believe and he tells me what he thinks my options are.  He asked me to pray about it and call him back.  I do both. I agree to go forward with a single mastectomy and immediate reconstructive surgery.  My surgeon wanted to move forward sooner versus later.  This meant that I needed a plastic surgeon….  Sooo…after getting ANOTHER referral, I schedule and see a plastic surgeon and a date is set…. August 21, 2007.  Awe….I wanted to get things moving, but I did not think it would be THAT soon!  Oh yea and the surgery was probably gonna be at least 8 to 10 hours long and I was expected to be in the hospital 5 days and 4 nights.  I had a problem with this for some reason.  This sent me over the edge! 

Yes I know that “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment…1John 4:18”.  And I know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose...Romans 8:28. and I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind…2 Timothy 1:7.  (Thank you Rev. L.Smith, Brenda P, Sydney) I know and believe that and much more, YET…I suddenly felt DOOMED.  Never before had I even remotely been close to this feeling, but I thought the lights were out, the club was closed, my time was nigh.  Heck, before all of this, I didn’t even know what DOOM was….it was so overwhelming!  I was consumed with my end….death.  I could focus on nothing more but how to tell my children…should I make a video…write them a letter…individually, together, would one think I favored the other?  What about Gerald?  My MIND was screwed and I never thought I would succumb to such a pit.  It was the worst feeling ever and I briefly allowed all of my beliefs, emotions, will…everything sink into this hole called DOOM and I sulked.  I cried…I sobbed…..I snotted…..I had no energy….I didn’t eat.  This was bad. 

Hey…..but because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions (his mercies) never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23.  (Thank you Brenda B.) I’d better be grateful for these new mercies… I no longer sulk and decide that I will not succumb to fear and live each day fully….doesn’t mean I’m gonna like what’s ahead, but I would not walk around defeated. 

August 17, 2007 – Early in the morning before I wake and kneel to pray, I feel an undescribable PEACE come over me/my body and it told me that everything would be ok.  There was perfect stillness and when I woke, I felt refreshed.  (What an awesome feeling!)  It reminded me of a quote I received from a coworker….”God takes lifes pieces and gives us unbroken PEACE.” (Thank you Bridget M!)  I go have a CT scan, PET scan and breast MRI done.  Not painful…just took most of the day.

August 20, 2007 – I meet with the plastic surgeon again to finalize my reconstruction choice. I pre-register with the hospital. I go to have a Bone scan done.  This takes most of the day.  I walk to my car and realize that my surgeon has left me a message.  I call him back and he tells me that my scans from the 17^th indicate that cancer may be in my lymph nodes.  This would perhaps change the way things would be for surgery on tomorrow.  He asked if he could share this with my oncologist.  No problem.  He called me back.  My oncologist wanted me to start chemo in 3 weeks and to forgo having reconstructive surgery….just the mastectomy.  Uhmm…..don’t know about that doc. I’m not too comfortable with that idea, but ok.  He asked me to pray about it and call him back.   My best friend Sydney calls me….she can tell something ain’t right with me.  No, don’t call me in the morning to pray…and no, I ain’t callin no prayer line tonight to pray.  You can pray for me though, but right now I ain’t in the mood.  I’m in a daze.  I pick up Gerald and tell him what’s going on.  He’s supportive of whatever.  I call my surgeon back and we agree that if he goes in and does a “frozen section” of the tumor and it is cancerous that he would perform the mastectomy and that if it was not cancerous, he would wake me and we could talk about what would be next.  What about those nodes yall saw on the scan?  Well, those were pretty complicated since they were essentially excised 4 years ago and the area had received radiation, thus damaging the blood supply in that area, so to bother them again would put me at a higher risk of developing lymphedema.   

August 21, 2007 – I’m incredibly calm as we arrive at the hospital.  My best friend Angela and my brother Roderick were at home with my girls to make sure they got off to school and daycare. Several doctors and nurses come in to talk to me.  The anesthesiologist starts to give me medicine.  Hey…I like this guy…he’s the first doctor to ever give me an IV without hurting me….what’s yo name again? I tell them to make sure I don’t fall off of that tiny bed they have me on.   I was out after that….only to be awaken by a voice saying…”Mrs. Eaton…Mrs. Eaton….there was no cancer found. Do you want to go home?”  Absolutely amazing! I felt so blessed. My surgeon comes by later after I’m really awake and tells me that they did see the same ‘atypical cells’, and that my final pathology report would be back in a week or so.  I go home that day. 

August 30, 2007 – I go see my oncologist who hadn’t received my pathology reports.  Need to reschedule.  My surgeon calls me.  My pathology reports are back.  Yes, they found some small amounts of cancer….about 1.8 cm total.  He told me what he thought my oncologist would recommend…..chemo first and then mastectomy with reconstruction….mastectomy…then chemo…then reconstruction. He gave me all of the information that I’d need to consider. OK. 

September 10, 2007 – I see my oncologist and he essentially ticked me off this day.  He told me that my breast was a timebomb, waiting to explode and that I needed to get rid of it. Uh…..huh?  Gerald had gone with me that day and he may as well have been a picture on the wall cause my doctor did not acknowledge him until he was getting ready to leave the room when he handed him the bill.  I wasn’t really feeling him…had been contemplating on changing oncologists and although I did not disagree with his medical recommendation at all, I like loyalty and I felt like I hadn’t quite received confirmation of my prayer to change doctors, but this was all the confirmation I needed. 

September 11, 2007 – I see my surgeon again who tells me that he agrees with my oncologist and felt l should do the mastectomy and chemo first then reconstruction later.  No problem.  I ain’t got no energy to talk to you today.  I leave his office.  OK.  I’m trippin.  I call my surgeon later that day and leave him a message.  He called me back after I’d turned my phone off for the night.  He left me a message.  I call him back the next morning and tell him I had been considering changing oncologists.  He understood and recommended someone else and suggested I do it quickly. He said he would call and tell the oncologist what was going on and get him up to speed on my situation.  I called the office of the oncologist that I was quitting and ask them to copy my records and that I would be picking them up.  I call and get a referral to the new oncologist and make an appointment to see him the next day.  I see the new oncologist and he’s very calm and he listened to me and encouraged me to bring Gerald in so that he would know what to expect with chemo.  He was easy to talk to and I knew I’d keep him.  He let me know that my cancer was deemed a “triple negative”, meaning it does not respond to the hormones estrogen, progesterone or HER2….indicating that it is aggressive and more difficult to treat. His nurse came in and encouraged me and prayed for me before I left.  I so needed that!  What a difference!  (Ok Sydney, I have somethin' to say now…I’ma write a book…we joke) 

September 14, 2007 – I call my surgeon’s office to get the date for my mastectomy. It is September 26, 2007.  Oh and it’s an outpatient procedure.  For real?  Yes.  Unbelievable…yet very believable.  I will have a left breast mastectomy and have a port-a-cath inserted to administer my chemo treatments.  I will probably start chemo 4 to 6 weeks after the mastectomy and treatments may last about 6 months.  

LESSON Reinforced:  My family is larger than I thought – God’s children are everywhere!

Thank you Gerald, Roderick, mama, Angela, Mary F., Mary H., Melissa, Tiffany, Sis. S. Smith, Pastor Rutledge, Elaine, Sheila, Ms. Pat Tormey, Lorri, Annie, Cathy W., Cynthia, Selena, Maran, Rev. Andrews, Jolita, Arnolia, Wonder, granny, Rhonda, Dee, .....not an inclusive list by any means.

September 20, 2007