March 2, 2004

t's been too long since I've written ... and that's actually a good thing!  I've been feeling so good that it's almost weird.  I went from feeling like hell and NOT looking forward to 5 more opportunities to feel this way, to so wound up and ready to tackle the world that I couldn't sleep!  Kevin is after me a bunch (thanks Baby) to get me to rest more, but I just don't want to.

I've got too much to do!

Ya know, I've never been a very spiritual person, but over the last few years spirituality has entered into my life.  I have absolutely no regrets that this has happened to me.  It's opened my eyes and my mind a bunch.  I feel so blessed that I am where I am in my life! 

I really need to thank my dear friend Richard for that.  At a point in my life, I was very sad, and I asked Richard why it "felt" like God or someone was handing me wonderful gifts, but then they made so many demands on the relationship / friendship that it ended up failing.  Richard answered me very simply ... "It's because you're making the wrong decisions."

What he said to me changed my world.  And with that said, you'd think I'd look at this journey as if I had made yet another bad decision.  But I don't feel that way at all!  This experience has been a "gift".  It has helped me to appreciate my blessings and understand what is "truly" important in life.

I also truly believe that I was destined to be sick, but my guardian angle (my grandfather, Bupa, I believe ... or someone else) was waiting for me to be in a place where I could accept it.  A place where I had the strength and support and love to be able to deal with it.  Otherwise it would have been too hard to heal.  Having just got married to the most wonderful man in the world, moved to the Seacoast of NH (where I grew up and always wanted to move back to), left my corporate job to start my own company (a dream for years) and started directing a wonderful group of ladies from the barbershop chorus here in town, Sounds of the Seacoast, I'd say now is as good a time as any!  Bring it on (in the words of my good friend, D Dyer).

This experience is still new and some days I have to remind myself that it's even happening.  That's really good, but it also has it's heavy side.  I'm wiped.  Although I am very much in a positive place, I am having a real shitty day.  And I hate that I'm having this!  Sometimes it's hard to not feel the frustration of knowing that a week from tomorrow I get to be injected with crappy drugs that will make me feel like shit.  And every day I tug at my hair and wonder when it will start to fall out.  Soon I'm sure, and yes, I will cry, but that's OK.  I have a pile of hats and Mom's making me more (we went shopping for material the other day) so when it's time to pull them out, I'll be the most fashionable bald chick on the Seacoast!

Anyway ... overall I'm GREAT!  I'm just having a bit of "to hell with this" day.  Thanks for allowing me to share it with you.  It's probably the best thing I could do ... let it happen ... let the emotion out.