OK.  So much for trying to be brave.  I'm in pain and in a funk.

Don't know when this all started.....OK.  I'm lying....I DO know.  I went to look at some wigs during lunch (October 16, 2007) and for some reason, I thought I would go to the store, pick out a wig to purchase and go back to work.  Well, it didn't quite happen that way.  I went to the wig store and there were tons of wigs to choose from!  I picked out a few to try on and it was absolutely horrible!  I had a hard time putting them on and there was no one there to help me and the lighting was dim and the people just stared at me and I didn't know if I wanted human hair or synthetic hair and I was running out of time since I WAS on my lunch break and I thought it was supposed to be fun looking for a wig and I felt queasy in my stomach......I had a plethora (like that word huh?) of things going through my mind and I began to feel sad.  (Hear the violins?)  I return to work and I was in a major funk.  Now, if you saw me, you would have never known what was going on with me....hey, I've pretty much mastered the art of being physically functional.  I felt very uneasy and up until that point I had had the attitude that I really wanted to get my port inserted and chemo started so that I could get this behind me.  With my surgery scheduled for less than 24 hours away, the reality of it all attacked me and I got scared all over again.

October 17, 2007 - I'm scheduled to have my port placed.  I'm still unusually nervous and although I had thought about not showing up for surgery before, this was the first time I REALLY wanted to run for the border.   I wondered if people really did this type of thing and if so, what happened to them.  My mind was trippin again and I thought I was over this....  I stayed calm, but I did NOT want to get the port.  "Why now?", I thought to myself.  The surgery started much later than initially planned and I was fine with that....cause maybe this was just one BIG MISTAKE.  Ya know?

As I waited for my procedure, my surgeon stops by the room to check on me. Nope.....he does not give me the news that this was all some big misunderstanding and that I was the wrong patient.  He just confirms what he IS going to do.  His presence does help keep me calm, so I realize that I just gotta do what I gotta do. 

I go into the operating room and there's that tiny bed they keep putting me on!  (Don't know why that's my last memory each time I've had a surgery, but the thought of falling off of that darn bed is scary.)

I wake up and felt like I would be able to sleep the rest of the day, except for  the fact that I was in pain.  I was so very uncomfortable but really glad that it was over.  My chest was really hurting and there was no doubt in my mind that I would finally put all those pain pills I had to use.

I get home and take some pain pills and try to relax, but it wasn't happening.  Awwouch!!!!  I was in major pain.   (I didn't have pain nearly this extreme when I had my mastectomy, so this threw me off!)  I thought I would just be able to lie down and rest with no problem, but that would not be the case.  I ended up sleeping on our recliner because I was extremely sore!  How would I make it the next day for chemo?  This pain and soreness wasn't going no where no time soon. (I know....double negative...triple negative....whateva....still didn't change nothin.)

October 18, 2007 - I'm scheduled to start chemo.  I wake up and was still very sore.  I had to peel off my bandage and emotionally I just wasn't ready.  But, the one thing I'm learning is that there are some things that I just gotta do and I have to be mature about it.  I take the dressing off and shower and prepare to receive my first treatment.  Now internally, I'm screaming, shouting and being a brat at heart.

Gerald and I arrive at my oncologist's office and we are seated and the nurse comes to talk to me and starts to gather the vials, needles, gauzes, etc. to start my session. There were other patients there, obviously receiving their treatments and Gerald joked that they looked all refreshed as if they were lounging on the beach.  (If only I could feel as calm as they looked!)  I had issues! OK, my mind is going haywire!  I ask Gerald to hand me the box of tissue so that once the flood gates were open, I'd have plenty of tissue handy.  I was even getting ready to ask to be taken to a private room cause I knew that I would probably be screaming cause I just wasn't ready.....I was very sore and the thought of them sticking me anywhere near the port was quite overwhelming.  I thought it constituted cruel and unusual punishment!!!

Well, the nurse confirms with me that if I started the treatments right then, that I would probably be in much pain.  Uhmmmm..."Don't push me cause I'm close to tha edge. I'm tryin not to lose my head.  Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!  It's like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder how I keep from going under."   OK....I'm trying to stay sane.

My oncologist comes in to talk to me and I beg and plead with him to please reconsider administering me the chemo cause my pathology reports were clear....no additional cancer had been found.  Perhaps we could do something else...there's gotta be another way we can deal with this.....

OK.  Just kidding.  My oncologist DID come to speak to me and he let me know that he would rather wait a few days for my swelling to go down before I started my treatments and the area wouldn't be so tender.  Hey, I had NO problem with this at all. I mean, we could actually wait a little longer as far as I was concerned.  I just want to be prepared emotionally.  I mean, I could have gone ahead as planned, but I would rather go in without reservations or a "junked" mind.  We schedule another date for my treatments - October 25, 2007.

Thank you - Hondo, Brochelle, Charlotte, Magnolia, Melanie, Sis. P. Meshack, Laurie, Tolden's Christians Equipped to Serve, Sis. Watson, Kim, Sharon & Derrick, Willie, Raquel, Sis. Owens, Carter, Marilyn M, Clyde, Glennecia, Nicolaus, Atoia....