| sit here in my lounge chair in front a silent tv (its muted - watchin' Donnie Osmond on ET mouth his words), the hum of my "Oxygen machine" beside me (as I call it), and the frequent grunt of myself trying to clear whatever phlegm it is from my throat.  I'm trying my darndest not to throw myself into a coughing attack b/c my shortness of breath gets pretty scary and the pain in my side twinges.  The shortness of breath is far more scary... causing me to sweat and have to stop the world and just... bbrrreeeeaaattthhhhh....
I came home from the hospital on Thursday and was doing great!  We were doing laps around the Fitch Unit floor with practically no oxygen! Now... well now I've resulted back to oxygen and I'm on 2.5 right now- after I tried to have dinner - which is what began my coughing spell.
We'll rewind to the week BEFORE last.  We heard back from the pulmonomogist- he didn't recomend any scans or taps for now as the ct scan I had didn't show much fluid.  So should be fine for now on that front.
I had the meeting with the neurologist.  He checked reflexes and this and that and basically talked himself into writing up an order for a brain mri.  This appointment was originaly for my optical migraines that happened quite often back in june/july... (and have happened again recently).  Took a while to coordinate an appt to get in.  So a brain MRI was scheduled.
Saturday I hung out with my mom.  She took care of me while Todd worked.  She helped with my meds, laundry, vaccuuming...everything- she's so absolutely wonderful!  Anytthing I needed- she was there to help! Felt like I was 12 again with the flu!   So by evening- my brother Travis and friend Chrissy came over to watch some movies.  Trav left and Chrissy and I were left watching a movie together.  The evening progressively got worse.  I was uncomfortable, tired, very short of breath, and starting to get scared.  I didn't want to alarm her so told her I was fine.  Todd came home not too soon after and I excused myself to bed and apologized for the abrupt departure. 
We gave hugs and I shuffled off to bed - with my oxygen shoved up my nose.  Todd helped me get into bed and things were just not right.  I wasn't as coherent as I should've been and I couldn't breathe well at all.  This coupled with the not being able to eat- I was S-C-A-R-E-D!  So off to the Elliot we went at 10:30 at night.  We got to the ER and did our 4 hour waiting.  While we waited I got a needle stuck in my port for bloodwork, needle stuck in my right arm so I could have the ct scan that they wheeled me in for (chest), and then lots of laying around.  We had a wheelchair, rocking chair and the gurney (sp?) to share b/w the two of us.  The bed made my butt so numb that it hurt.  So we switched around and around w/ all three.  Finally- Todd layed down on the bed, I pulled up the wheelchair next to the bed and rested some pillows and blankets on his legs so I could put my head down.  Why is it its NEVER comfortable in the ER?  I entertained myself by sending a picture of me to Becky so she wouldn't worry :)!
We went upstairs- one room away from the last room we stayed in in our last stay.  The floor was quiet for like 3am!  The nurses are usually shuffling and yelling down the hallway... but not tonight.  They wheeled me into the room and had to take down questions on paper as their computers were down.  They put me in bed 1 next to the door- then asked me if I wanted to be in bed 2 next to the window....ummm... yeam!  So I messed up this bed for nothing- sweet!  I thought they'd let Todd sleep in it then since they'd have to make it over anyway- and the floor wasn't busy.... nope... poor guy slept in the makeshift "chair/cot" thing to my left in the window cubbie.  we slept thru the night with not much disturbances.  The next day he ran home for some errands and my home came to visit.  We got a visit from one of the "newer" doctors at NH Oncology and she gave my mother and quite the scare!  First of all- i was EATING!! I was actually eating my rice and fruit for supper- and was so proud!  I was able to fit something in me!   Then she comes in and tells us the "bad case scenario" that could happen.  She told us (or this is how I remember it- forgive me if I'm wrong) - that if my oxygen level had to go up anymore- that I would have to be brought to the ICU, be sadated and have tubes put down my throat to breath.  My mother immediately burst into tears while I sat in shock.  She clutched onto my arm while I started in shocked and asked "how long" and "does this mean I'm going to die?"  Two answers to which I don't remember getting.  She left.... I stopped eating... calmed each other down.... and she came back in later to discuss the other methods previously discussed with my pulmonologist.   Geez- so its NOT necessarily the end of the world at THIS particular moment.... thanks for making us think it is! And WITHOUT Todd here!!!
I came in and was put on oxygen level of 12.  As comparision- I left at .5... yess- less than 1.  Now I'm at 2.5 at home b/c I just can't seem to get it going...stupid lungs....
So... Todd came back, we briefed him on the situation....
I got nebulizer treatments and all my meds while in the hospital.  I also got steriods to help open up my lungs as much as possible.  Sort of last ditche efforts- throw anything at me that they think my work.  I managed to get thru the next 2 nights without any neighbor- although I know how busy the hospital was and how quickly they were filling up.  One night they almost gave me someone and my nurse was quick to jump in--- "nope, she goes in the next room".... ooooo....thank goodness!  They took REALLY good care of me!  We laughed with each other, gave high fives and hugs when they had to leave their shifts. 
I had visits from my mom, Todd of course (he never left- poor man- I was too scared for him to leave me again!), Todd's M&D - Peggy & Brian, Nancy (<3 u Nanc'!), Jessica (a couple times) and Melissa.  Jess & Melissa brought me tons of rag mags and some paper dolls who I quickly cut out and dressed up the next day- although their clothes kept falling off - so I blamed that on Todd!  I called them my "Hospital Home Girls!"!
I ended up with a roomate Tuesday night.  I didn't think it'd be bad- she was colmpletely comatosed the poor girl! Please note how I say "poor girl" here- but will not repeat it!  I won't get into her story... want to keep stranger's stuff private.... but.... her iv monitor kept going off b/c she'd bend her arm in her sleep and it would sound.  And this thing IS NOT QUIET!  And it also happens to be like 3 feet from my head in bed!  It would go off- and should woulodn't hit the call bell b/c she was zonked.  They don't come right away- so I'd hit my call bell and they'd know exactly what i needed!  20 minutes later- it would happen again!  This happened quiet often that night.  She was quiet- but was making a lot of racket!  Todd and I went for a little walk and saw our nurse in the hallway.  We joked if there were restraints or anything we could stick on her to keep her from moving her arm- HA!  The answer... "no" but with a smile!
Wednesday we thought would be quiet- she was leaving- and looking and sounding much better than the night before.  Then we were asked if we could switch rooms.  Me, not wanting to upset a nurse- the hand that feeds you, and not liking to say "no".... finally agreed to it- since we thought it'd be only one day anyhow- but a lot of work to move our 4 days worth of crap just for one night.  I guess another man was coming to the floor an the rooms were full- and you can't have a man and a woman share a room, and he needed his own room.  Yes... I did give a hairly eyeball as we walked by my "old" room later the next day... what can I say...I'm imature sometimes!
Anyway- we agreed to the move and one of the helpers immediatley starting rummaging thru our stuff to pick it up to move it.  This pissed me off greatly.  Todd had made a trip downstairs real quick and I pleaded with her to slow down a minute and just wait for my husband to come back.  So this frosted his butt too.  I ended up knocking off the flower Priscilla gave me and shattering the glass vase on the floor- that didn't make her none-to-happy as I was in stocking feet and apparently the cleaning lady wasn't to be found.  So she picked it up her self.  I guess that's karma for you... I honestly didn't do it on purprose!   Then she asked me if I wanted to throw out my flower.....NO!  Ugh.
We moved into the new room and had a nice neighbor- but thank goodness for earplugs!  You can't hear anything but you're own weazing- ha!  I slept pretty good all nights except for the fact that my butt hurt so much.... yes tmi- i know!  I was soo hot at night b/c of the steroids that I would just sweat.... I'm not used to that- I'm usually freezing in there... so that was uncomfortable!
Back to my tests!
Monday I had a chest xray to check fluid before and after.  The radiologist we had been told cancelled the lung tap for Sunday b/c he didn't feel there was enough in the scan we had done sunday evening.  Dr Falk pushed to have it done and we ended up having it done on Monday after the xray.  It was the same as before- this time the lights were on in the room- and were doing in the right side.  It felt the same.... pain... numbing.. pain...numbing....  Then came the fluid.  I didn't want to look until we were all done.  I tried to hang out as long as I could but it started to be uncomfortable- so they removed it.  Then I began to cough- and that hurt.  I turned to look at the jar.  It was almost full of the same mossy green liquid as the last lung was.  700 ml!! Almost a full liter!  Last time we had 100 ml out of the left.  So - this should do SOMETHING for me!
We did another chest xray to check again- I can't remember what the outcome there was- but I could sure feel it!  My o2 slowly went down and down.  By tuesday I was down to 4 I think it was!  It felt awesome- like we were going in the right directly!  There were high fives received by all!  And hugs by Dr Falk!
We got a visit with Dr Crow Wednesday to discuss the options again.  He'd rather I wait to do chemo after we do the plurex catheter (stick a catheter in my lung that stays in for a couple weeks to drain the fluid) or the "talc powder" which they coat the lungs and they stick to the chest wall.  This is more permanent.  I don't like that option.  I'd opt for the catheter.  Anyway- he wanted to do that before we started chemo so we wouldn't have to interrupt chemo again... and possibly have any interruptions.  sounded fair.
We then talked to Dr Hoepp Wednesday night about the options.  He explained them to us again... the catheter still sounds like the way to go... and he said its no big deal- we can do it anytime and it won't interfere with chemo.   So that made me feel good.  I had him check out my lung drain site from months earlier when he operated.  He said there was some fluid there... might be a lump of cancer that found its way out of the lung and thru the scar tissue.  Great... whatever I thought.... just as long as I can breathe and get going with treatment to stop this stuff!!!!
Also had the MRI Wednesday.  Was originally scheduled for that on Friday- but asked- since I was there- could they move it up?  I was lying on the table when the woman inside the room was actually leaving a message on my answering machine at home- until she realized that the person she was calling... was me- and I was right in front of her! It was funny.  I'm not a fan of the MRI- but can make it thru it.  I layed on my back (which is something I haven't been able to do for MONTHS) and had a plastic cage on my head as to not move at all.  Just keep my eyes closed and listed to the music I told myself.... the 30 minutes went by quick enough.  I got up and started coughing... but had done great while I was laying down.
So we left Thursday... smiling... refreshed... hungry....breathing!
Friday I was back at home on my oxygen machine- feeling defeated.  Wasn't the best weekend- but I was doing what I thought was my best to move around.  Our friends came over to work on the house on sunday and went gangbusters!  Our roof is almost done and the windows are all done!!
This morning was chemo.  We went to NH Oncology - my port worked like a dream and I got my blood drawn.
I went out front with Todd to wait for Dr Crow.  He came in and told us the results of my brain mri- that was basically done on a whim.  He said that they found brain mets in there....great...what the heck....what else?!!??!
The biggest is 7mm and they are spread throughout he says.
No chemo for the brain b/c of the blood/brain barrier- so radiation is the key with these little pieces of crappy ass tumor (forgive my language!).  We'll be visiting our radiologist again tomorrow morning (who we never ended up having to use thru all the other surgeries). to discuss options and how to proceed... immediately!  Dr Crow said radiation would be like 1-2 weeks- then we could started on the chemo... or do the catheter- depending on where we were fluid wise.
So, I have that tomorrow morning, a respiratory woman is coming to the house to check the oxygen tank and see about a mask/travel tank for me, Wednesday am Ihaving an ultrasound and ct scan for fluid checks to see where we're at.

How'm I feeling?  Like crap... can't sugar coat it this time...I feel like crap!  My breathing isn't getting better now- its going the other way... I've got more cancer that I had thought - and in my freakin' brain!...and all I want to do is snuggle up in bed with Todd and watch a movie in his arms.
Will we get over this hurdle too....YES.... but right now- its going to be a little bit harder.  I'm keeping the laughs going... we have to!

Thank you everyone for your continued thoughts and prayers!  I as WELL as Todd need them more than ever!  I know I keep saying it- but these things keep happening.
Thank you for your cards, your donations, your positivity and your support!  You mean the world to us!   XOXOXOXOXO times infinity!