…..my hair that is. 

Everything I have written or will write is open for my daughters to read and is intended for general audiences.  I said I would be candid, so if you can’t handle my candid-osity (yup, I made that up), STOP reading now.  SKIP and proceed to the next chapter. 

When I was originally told that I would be losing my hair, I didn’t have any strong feelings about it.  The one thing I’ve always known and feel very strongly about now is that NO THING…..nothing matters.  Not at all.  Feel me?  I did think that the timing was messed up cause I felt like my hair was in its healthiest state ever.  I've heard that some people lose their hair within a certain number of days after their first chemo treatment and that some never lose any of their hair.  I was told that the drug combination that I would be receiving would more than likely cause me to lose my hair and that my hair loss would probably happen by the time I started my “Round Two” treatments.  So about a month ago, I cut my hair shorter just cause….not really in anticipation of losing it, but because I just thought it was a good time to try a hairstyle I liked and that if perhaps I DID lose my hair, maybe it wouldn’t be such a big transition. 

In the meantime, I purchased a few “cranial prostheses”…..the alias that insurance companies recognize for “wigs”, even though my insurance does not cover them.  My girls went with me and helped me pick each one out.  I appreciate your offers to come with me, but those who know me probably realize that I’m very loner-ish (I made that one up too) and I knew my daughters would be very blunt about what looked good or not on me.  (Now if you wanna have lunch, that's a different story....just let me know when.)  So anyway, I’ve been wearing these wigs daily now for a few weeks…..trying to get used to them and I must say that it’s not been the easiest thing for me.  I feel like my scalp can’t breathe!!!!  When I leave work each day, I immediately take off the wig and bask in the feeling of releasing the pressure off of my head!  

Now I felt like my hair shed on its own pretty regularly, so each day as I brushed my hair down to put on my wig, the shedding I noticed appeared to be “normal”.  It wasn’t until I was in the shower the other night (November 12, 2007) that I was cleansing myself and I noticed that there were lots of tiny hairs on the shower floor….....and I wasn’t washing the hair on my head!!!!  OH MY!!!!  I started to cry and then my eyelashes started to fall out……..I started counting them….1, 2, 3, 4…..145, 146, 147!!!!!  I rushed out of the shower cause I just had to see what was going on!!!!  (Yes, even my eyelashes are numbered!!!) (Matthew 10:30)  Now they DID tell me that I would probably lose most of my body hair all over, but I never considered this…...  

I have to tell you that I’ve discovered my inner comedienne.  The above story is true, but the part about me crying and my eyelashes is purely fabricated.  (That WAS funny though huh?) 

Me and my nephew Nicholas (Wig #1)

November 14, 2007 – as I brush my hair again this morning I notice that it REALLY IS coming out because I got a larger amount in my brush and it startled me (for real this time).  Abruptly , I put the brush up and put on the wig and left for work.  Don’t know why I did it this way….perhaps if I didn’t brush it, no more hair would come out. Uh oh...  TO BE CONTINUED........

November 15, 2007 -  Yesterday afternoon, I went to the ladies room at work and took a “wig break”…..I’ve been doing it at least once or twice a day to relieve the pressure I feel on my head.  Anyway, I take the wig off and start scratching my scalp and as I’m doing it, hair is falling out into my hands.  Now, you have to know that so much of this is still incredulous to me, so I’m really struggling in some ways to get over the surrealness of it all.  So…..uhm….not that you can’t or won’t be able to trust me or you find my credibility questionable cause I have been very free about sharing my journey, but go back up and read where I wrote, “The one thing I’ve always known and feel very strongly about now is that NO THING…..nothing matters.  Not at all.  Feel me?”.  Yea…..yea.....that…...well….uhm…....er…..disregard all of that.  TODAY it DOES matter.  I’M FREAKIN LOSIN MY HAIR!!!!   Uhm…..yea….back to the credibility thing….I did mention somewhere else on this site that I’m taking things moment by moment and that’s what I felt the moment I typed it, but that’s all changed now.  A woman CAN change her mind right?  This morning I didn’t even bother to brush my hair…..I just ain’t ready.  I just patted it and tucked my edges and put my wig on.  Maybe I should have written that stuff about NO THING on my mastectomy page….cause I’ve done fine in that regard when I thought I would have had a harder time adjusting, but this hair thing, which I thought I’d do fine by, is not sitting so well with me.  Hey, talk to me a year from now and I’m sure I’ll feel this way again.

November 18 2007 - "Boo hoo.  Boo hoo", my mind cries!  I'm not sad, so much as I am astonished.  Sure, I've known that I would probably lose my hair and I've had time to come to terms with this, but it ain't nothin like actually losing it.  Yes, I really thought I would have certainly responded to this like I have in the past to most other challenges I've faced....you know.....kinda calm and composed......with a plan.  Ha!  Well, let me tell you, this hair thing got to my core.  and WHY?  It's not like I've ever been known or even remotely described by the qualities of my hair.  There's a whole lotta things you may think of when you think of me but I sincerely doubt if my hair is one of them.  I spent the last few days trying to figure out just when I will get the courage to go ahead and shave my head.  After a couple of days of just letting it be, I finally decided to brush my hair again on Saturday night and confirmed that it's coming out in a major way.  I imagined trying to count the strands and realized that it would be absolutely impossible for me (or you) to guess the number.  WOOWWWWW! Thankfully for me, I have very thick hair, so I may have a couple of days before I start looking ridiculous.  My brother has agreed to do the honors, but er uhm I'm not rushing it.  (One of my better qualities is that I can be very patient.)  Gosh, I don't know that I'm ready for it all.  How I so admire the women (and men ) who have courageously made the decision to just "cut it off".  ("Did you ever know that you're my heroes? You're everything I would like to be.  And I can fly higher than an eagle...cause you are the wind beneath my wings....") MORE TO COME.

November 25, 2007 - It's been a few days since I've given you an update.  Well, I was thinking last week that I would ride this hair thing out.  You know.....just let it fall out on its own.  I thought I'd be ok this way since I really felt that I would NOT be ok bald.  This was the one thing that had my mind running in circles from the inevitable.  And I let it until last Tuesday night.  As was becoming my norm, I brushed my hair and decided to "open" my hair up to see if it was really coming out as severely as it seemed.   (Yes, I was "Brush Over Queen" for a few days. Just imagine! ) Well, I looked and I saw several bald spots, so I told Roderick that I was ready to go ahead and cut it off.  Hey, I didn't want to be bald, but them darn bald spots convinced me that I'd better get to IT before IT continued to get to me.  We agree to cut it on the following night.  We all gather in the bathroom....Germayne was my photographer, Roderick my barber, Gerald, Jayme and Jaysen, witnesses to this event.  I COULD NOT BELIEVE I WAS DOING THIS!!!!   OK....done.  I could not bring myself to look at the new me that night.  I wash my "head" and put on a scarf and go to bed.  The next day, in the still of the morning, I rise and remove my scarf and feel the cool air embrace my scalp.  (Jo, yes, it IS cold with no hair!) I open my eyes and take in my new look.  Hmmmnn.....not bad....boy my scalp needs some sunlight........I'd be a really cute guy........kinda abrasive to the touch.......nice shape of the head.....hey....is that vitiligo of the scalp?........would I really love this part of me?  My thoughts were interesting.  I concluded that if I could love all of my current imperfections from my bags, sags, wrinkles, dimples, blemishes, excess skin, fat, scars and ah yes, my one breast, then I would certainly love my beautiful bald head.  No shame in my game.  I would not pretend or deny my current reality.  It's been a couple of days and I am amazingly comfortable with no hair....and my wigs fit so much better!  (Of course I can't wait for my hair to return!) Sure, I'll show you.  Gerald suggested that I show up for our Thanksgiving dinner with no wig.  He thought it would be "funny".  Uhm, I didn't see his humor initially, but then thought that it would be a good way to let my family know and get it out in the open.  Their response was comforting. (Of course every family has members who are who they are and my bald head couldn't change that no matter how bad I wished it would.) A few of the children didn't know what to say and that was cool too.  My girls are/have adjusted quite nicely, although Jaysen does look at my head often as if to let me know that she knows something is missing.  I've even had to do a double take as I pass the mirror.  As I've reflected on the potential side effects that I COULD experience, I'm grateful for hair loss being the only bump for me.

"I am not my hair.  I am not this skin.  I am not your expectations, no.  I am not my hair.  I am not this skin.  I am the soul that lives within." 

December 2, 2007 - I just have one more thing to say about this hair issue and then I'ma leave it alone and move on for the moment.  I decided to shave my scalp with a razor to achieve a smooth bald finish and I have to tell you that doing this, even with a razor made for a woman was the the most masculine thing I've ever done!!  Ewe!!!

Thank you Mike Mike, OATLEG, cousins Frank & Orelia Crump, Diane, Stephanie Burdine, Horace, Virginia D, Cher, Aunt Sylvia, Tiny & Carey, Frank & Sylvia Crump, Derrick P