March 9, 2008 - EIGHTEEN DAYS before my last chemo treatment!  I am counting down.  Yes, I feel like a teenager waiting to turn eighteen.  You know....you think it will all be different on that magical day, but it probably won't.  Only in my case, I wanna see how much of my "normal" life now will go back to being "normal".   I can barely sleep! 

March 16, 2008 - ELEVEN more days before my last chemo treatment!  I must admit, I haven't been this excited in some time. 

I was awake for most of my treatment on last Thursday, March 13, 2008.  (I finally convinced the nurse to not give me Benadryl on the condition that I would take some at home on the same night.  Yippee!)  What a difference!  I only slept for a short period of time. (Apparently, it wasn't just the Benadryl that makes me drowsy.)  Anyway, I was minding my own business, attempting to do some reading, as my neighbor, a lady also being treated for breast cancer, blessed me with her melodious snoring, when the pharmacy technician asked me if I had a few minutes to "model" something for her.  Uhm..."Sure", I replied, "I have nothing but time...ain't goin nowhere no time soon."  So I unplugged my machine (can't remember the term for it) and brought it along as I followed her to a room where a lady waited to show me some "cranial prostheses" that she was selling.  They were actually quite nice.  (Now this is the type of service I needed back in October of last year!)  I told the rep about my wig observations and she allowed me to try on a few.  Not bad.  So, the rep was telling me about what her company offers as far as wigs, prostheses, bras.....you name it, when she pulled out some "eyebrow wigs".  "OH MY GOODNESS!  WOW!"  This had to be the greatest invention since the cell phone!  Who'da thought?  "Oh, yes.  I'm very interested in those!  Are they covered by insurance also?  No?  No problem.  How much are they?  $80?  Uhm...I don't know if I wanna spend $80 on some eyebrows.  I miss mine and all, but I don't know if I miss them THAT much."  The eighty dollars may very well be a reasonable price and I had determined in my mind as she'd pulled them out that I would be willing to pay for them, but what if I didn't like them or they didn't last or they were "costume-ish"?  Darn!  Plus, if I decided to be artistic, I could probably make my own.  Ya know?  "Let me think about it," was my final response as I thought about my eyebrow pencil and how I've gotten a little better with drawing my eyebrows and how I'd miss it.  NOT!  I returned back to my recliner and tried to forget about it.  I mean...I wasn't desperate or anything and I still love every bit of my being, but these were REAL HUMAN HAIR EYEBROW WIGS!    THIS WAS CRAZY!  So, again, I couldn't concentrate.  I just sat in my chair, as I received my infusion and I continued to listen to the lady next to me SNORE!  Golly gee.  This was funny.  I wonder if I snored like that in the past as I received my treatments?  I guess I'll never know, just like she probably won't, cause nobody said anything.  Anyway, the pharmacy tech came back to me and whispered in my ear and told me that the representative said that she was going to GIVE me the eyebrow wigs!  THANK YOU!!!!!  I was soooo excited!  They come with wig adhesive and everything!  So I could not wait to try them on and I did on yesterday.  I must say, I looked pretty darn good with them on! (Again...just don't look at me too closely, cause it is a WIG! ) BUT, the truth is, I looked good before this all anyway:  "I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well" Psalm 139:14 (Thank you Tarshia!)

March 30, 2008 - NO MORE CHEMO!  I'm done....finished...it's all a part of my past now.  But why, oh why, was I so SAD? I was too excited to get my last treatment over with and I'm really looking forward to what's next, but once I got home on Thursday, I was feeling very gloomy.  Was this some type of post-chemo blues?  I'd like to think that I'm emotionally stable and I will NOT miss getting chemo at all, but I just didn't get why I felt so sad.  I started to think about everything leading up to my first treatment, the people I've met, the support I've received, the care I was given and I had to pause because in spite of the overall experience, I was emotionally overwhelmed!  It was really the LONGEST six months of my life that I can remember and although my body tolerated chemo well, I think in some fashion, I had been holding my breath.  The end always seemed so far away. 

Overall, I can say that chemo really wasn't THAT bad, keeping in mind that it ain't all good since it IS chemo.  I wasn't miserable in any way and I realize that I'm much stronger than I would have ever imagined.  Who'da thought?  Now there was one thing that I was always at ease about and that was that since I was having my blood checked regularly I felt that if there was anything wrong with me, it would show up.  My liver and kidney functions were being checked, along with my blood levels and I was receiving regular breast exams, so I felt that my 'coverage' was good. The biggest issue or side effect for me (and it's so very minor) was my eyebrow and eyelash loss.  Yes, I'm looking forward to the return of my hair.  I will not miss any of the stressors related to my breast cancer diagnosis or chemo: chronic constipation, hives, nightly nose bleeds, reduced appetite, weird olfactory sensations, nose drips, watery eyes, mild fatigue, stomach uneasiness, hot flashes, darkened fingernails, dizzyness, forgetfulness, weekly blood tests...NEUPOGEN!  I would like to keep, however, the weight that I've lost off (~15 pounds) and my menses can stay wherever they at!

"And I'll be alright. And I'll smile again.  And the wounds will mend.  I'm bruised but not broken.  And the pain will fade.  I'll get back on my feet.  It's not the end of me.  My heart is still open.  I'm bruised but not broken." 

Yes....I sing a lot these days.

What Now

I will be seeing my oncologist this week to talk about what's next, so I don't know definitely what I have to do, but I do know that I have to return tomorrow for my blood test and I think I'll be tested over the next couple of weeks to make sure my levels are normalizing.  I will have some body scans done in a few weeks and hopefully all will be well so that I can schedule my reconstruction. 

I did take some final "graduation" pictures on Thursday before I left.  The people in the pictures are the nurses who took supreme care of me....Jose  and Yudy.  They comforted, encouraged and engaged me each time that I came and I'm grateful that they are a part of my story.....they made it so much easier for me in many ways.