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24. The Love of A Family

24. The Love of A Family

May 4, 2008 - For some time now, I had been thinking of writing about my family and I just hadn’t taken the time to do it because I was struggling with putting into words the core of what I wanted to say, but the time is now and I’m REALLY glad I waited!

(OK, that WAS a joke and you’ll see why I said that in a moment.)

It’s easy to make the assumption that just because you’re related to people that they know how you feel about them. While I haven’t always been very vocal about it, I must tell you now that my person loves you intensely and very deeply. I would use the term agape, but I think there’s only ONE who truly loves like that, so let’s just say that my love for you is “apape-ish”. OK?

My family has been extremely supportive of me and it’s not just breast cancer that makes me say this, but they’ve just been terribly raw with me…..incredibly pure. (Was that clear?) They too have embraced me with their love and I must say that I’m so very grateful that God placed me among them. OK, put your tennis shoes on and walk with me please. This is a long one….

2003 - I didn’t want the spotlight and I didn’t want my family to get too excited, so I waited until AFTER my surgeon (at the time) called me with the findings of cancer from my biopsy before I said anything to my family. I did not know how to tell everyone, so I waited until a lot of us were over to my grandmother’s house one Sunday afternoon, preparing to eat when I told them that I had an announcement and then I laid it on them. Yup, they were pretty stunned, but their love for me never wavered and their support of me was very apparent. I just wanted to get it out in the open and I wanted them to hear it from me. I figured that the news would spread from there and I’m sure it did from them and from me, but what I know now is that many people in my family and many people that I know, never knew about it. It was never a secret. I did not mind anybody knowing and I never wanted to conceal it, but I just didn’t know what to say or how to tell people what was going on. So pretty much if you were one of the few people I talked to regularly, you knew what was going on and if not, you didn’t. (There were people I interacted with and worked with on a daily basis, who have told me that they never knew. I thought it was so apparent at the time.)

OK. So my family was very concerned about me cause we’d dealt with heart disease, high blood pressure and maybe even diabetes, but I think cancer or breast cancer for sure was a first. You know the word, CANCER, tends to scare you and I’ve found that the perception is often that of grimness and death. Or at least, it was that way in my world. One of my cousins prepared some meals for me and when she came over to my house to bring them to me, I vividly remember her saying, “Oh…you’re up and about”, which implied, “I thought you’d be in bed, looking like you have cancer.” This wasn’t a bad thing, but it was something I thought about and I knew that whatever image she’d had was the same image I’d had at some point…..until it happened to me. I think that we just didn’t know what to expect. I mean, I didn’t truly understand my diagnosis from 2003, so who knows what my family was thinking. It wasn’t until my current surgeon explained it fully to me in 2007 that I began to really understand what was going on. I was a bit confused about the words “invasive ductal carcinoma” and “ductal carcinoma in sutu”. (Oh yea…that’s a long time to be ignorant about something, so don’t be like me. Please ask about the things you don’t know that you don’t know about. Know what I mean?) Nevertheless, my family was always there to offer me their love and support. What I’m saying is, if you really want to see your family more than you’d imagine…..get sick. If they’re anything like mine, you gon have some company!

So the year 2007 comes and this time, I offered no more announcements. (They discouraged me from any more “announcements” so I think I told those that I saw and I sent an email to those whose email addresses I had. My cousin Shonsila (Shon) would always ask, “What now?! We don’t need no mo announcements!” Funny.) This time, I said I would tell EVERYBODY….no one would be excluded. You were not going to talk to me and I not tell you. With that, I found this site and eventually started to write this story. Well, once everyone got “the news”, I received phone calls, visits, books, scripture, pamphlets, breast cancer paraphernalia, cds, slippers, cards, letters, money, emails, food, advice, encouragement…. you name it…..all from the people I identify as family. OK. As I write about my family, I also want you to know that if I’ve connected with you in any way, whether by blood, marriage, church, work or circumstance, I’m talkin bout you too.

I have a cousin who was living in Kazakhstan and she would time her phone calls to reach me at an appropriate hour. (I believe that there was at least a 10 hour difference in time.) She would call me and say, “Netta, I was just thinking about you and wanted to check on you to see how you’re doing. It’s a little after 12 midnight here….” (Wow….AND you had to get up and go to work early the next day?) I felt too special.

My aunts would tell me, “Now, if you need me to keep the girls or go to the grocery store for you…..”

My daddy said to me, “I’ma call you everyday…..”

My father-in-law would call and say, “How’s it going?”

A cousin would say, “I’m reading your story and I have passed the site on……” or I would receive a card or letter in the mail or they would tell me that they’re praying for me.

Another cousin would call and say, “I’m comin over on Friday to watch the girls for you while you and Gerald go out.”

Not being fond of my “Help Wanted” page, one cousin called and fussed, “Why would you do that? You know there’s too many of us in the family who are here to help you. You know all you needed to do was call…..” or "Would you REALLY tell me if things weren't alright?" (Geesh chick!)

My sisters would say (as they cried) “Girl, what we gon do?” (Just kidding….that was FUNNY!)

They would offer encouragement or say “Ole Ronnetta, I didn’t know you could write!”

My brother would just DO…..he never said much and never complained, no matter what I asked him to do for me.

My grandmother said, “Net Net, you’d better take care of yourself baby.” Ahhhh….

I'm sure that all of them told me, “Now you know, if you need ANYTHING, let me know” or “I’m here for you” and the beautiful part about all of this is that I sincerely believe that each of them meant just that. Ya know?

Two of my biggest cheerleaders have always my mama and my cousin Shon. It may be no surprise to those who know them because they’re er, uhm, yea… a bit more vocal than a lot of us in the family. Feel me?

My mama just IS….maybe it’s just the thing of being a mother, but for several weeks when I started my treatments, this woman would come and sit with me (even though I insisted that she not) ALL DAY LONG. I understand completely her devotion and it was just what a mother would do, but she was driving me NUTS!!! (Plus, I was sleep for the most part.) She was the only person that I consciously did not give this website to….yes, I’m a weirdo, but my mother worries (whether or not she thinks I know) so I made the executive decision to not burden her. The good part about this is that she knows how I am (I'm ok with my solitude), so she never holds it against me. She DOES have the site now though.

The only other person that I’ve been purposely evasive with is my three year old nephew. He LOVES his Aunt Netta and everytime he'd come over, I’d always keep my wig on. It wasn’t intentional at first. I just think there was one day when he was there and I didn’t feel like going into detail about why I didn’t have any hair. {He should have been in on the conversation I had with my girls about losing my hair. Ya know?

} Well, one day when he was at my house, he walked into my room when I didn’t have my wig on and the look on his face suggested that I broke the boy’s heart. Oh my!

He looked SO confused, like, “What happened to Aunt Netta?” He stood there for a moment with a look that I’ll never forget. He looked like he wanted to cry! He left the room and he never said anything about what he’d seen and I never said anything to him about it. But, I KNOW he remembers.) So funny!

OK…my cousin Shon. Shon and I are one week apart in age (she’s older) and we spent our early childhood in each other’s company every single day. We grew up more like sisters than first cousins…..we played together, went to school together, fought each other (I still have scars….the girl was crazy!), AND I always got in trouble for something SHE did. It’s all true. She’s the life of the party and I’m always just AT the party. Ya know? All of Shon’s friends know me, whether I’ve met them or not cause she always talks about me. I can be out somewhere and I’ve had people say to me, “Are you Netta? I’m Shon’s friend….” Really. Shon and my mama were the ones who mainly KEPT calling me E V E R Y S I N G L E D A Y using this soft voice like they were afraid to talk to me. I almost started to screen my calls cause I just didn’t like the way they spoke to me. Hey….I was the SAME Ronnetta they’d talked to before this diagnosis, so there was no need to tip toe around me now. It wasn’t until my cousin Keke reminded me that Shon was very concerned about me and that that was her way of being there for me. I guess. So I just went on and told Shon that she needed to cut it out or not call me anymore. Worked like a charm.

Well, Shon, the big hearted person that she is, wanted to DO something for me….perhaps have a banquet or party in my honor and she called me back in October 2007 and asked me for Sydney’s phone number. OK. Odd, but no problem chick. I gave it to her and I called Sydney immediately and told her that WHATEVER Shon wanted to do, that they needed to NIP IT IN THE BUD right away! (I did NOT want her to do anything….remember, she’d already been talkin to me in this tentative tone. I didn’t want what I thought would be pity or sadness. I’d cried enough last year!!!) Well, yes, I confirmed that she really DID want to do something for me and she called me and told me that they wanted to do something for my aunt and her husband and that they wanted me to “speak” at the party. She wanted to do it around November 11. (I think.) “Uhm…nope…can’t do that,” I told her. (I’m a much better writer than I ever was a speaker. I can write a moving speech with no problem, but public speaking just ain't my thing. I stutter, get off track and forget what I’m gonna say, sweat, etc.) So, I aggressively told her that I probably would not come and that I would probably not be in a good mood since I would have started chemo and I probably would not have any hair and to count me out! I think I stunned her, because this was the first time that I EVER heard my cousin stutter and not know how to respond.

So, I shut it down. (I don’t think she knew that I knew how to attack. I’ve always been fairly mild. I don’t often have to use my ammunition, but I do have some.

)

Fast forward six months. Shon calls me and tells me that she’s thinking about having an engagement party for our cousin April. It would be on April 26. “Goooolly! I’m sick of all these parties!” I exclaimed. And then she said she may want me to speak about marriage. “Giiirrrllll….. you really don’t want me to do that. I gotta be honest,” I joked!

“Why you always want ME to speak? Why don’t you ask our aunt Wonder? She’s been married longer than me!” I admit, I griped at every single suggestion she came up with. So, she never mentioned it again until Monday, April 21 when she asked me if I was still gonna speak at the party. She also told me that she wanted everyone to wear pink and brown, that it was for adults only..i.e..no children (she knows I don’t like this) and she wanted to start ON TIME. “Uhm…you said that you were “thinking” about doing the party. I didn’t know it was a go,” I told her. She insisted that she’d told me it was definite and that she’d sent me an invitation, so I asked her to send it to me again and my clever cousin sends me an invitation to my cousin April’s engagement party. OK. I STILL complained, “I ain’t got no pink and no brown, I don’t even like the type of food you have on the menu AND you NEVER start on time!” Now, by this time my father-in-law had informed us that he was coming to town to visit my girls, so I told Shon that IF I DID come, that I was just gonna say what I had to say and I was leaving cause I wanted to spend time with him. Yes, I loves me some father-in-law! (I’m crazy about you too April.)

I admit, I gave the girl a hard time. So the week was going by without incident for the most part. Gerald asked me if I had any plans for the weekend and I told him about this party for April and that since his dad was coming to town that I would just go and come back or they could meet me over there later. Sounded like a plan. In the meantime, April tells me that she wants to take her children to the zoo on the 26^th, so I called Shon to tell her that April has no plans on coming to the party, so she’d better do something. Also, one of Shon’s and my friends called me and asked me if I was going to the party. This was odd because I didn’t know that he knew April…… I asked Shon about it and she gave me a reasonable explanation. BUT, I started to think that perhaps they weren’t having something for April cause April would have at least said she was going to Shon’s house. Ya know? So, I called Sydney and asked her what was going on. Startled, she immediately placed me on hold and when she returned, she insisted that there was nothing going on and if there were, that Shon needed to tell her about it. I believed my dear friend. OK. So, nothing’s going on. (Why was my radar up?)

My father-in-law arrived from California on Friday night. It’s really great to see him. (It’s not unusual for him to say he’s coming to see my girls and a week or so later, he’s there.) Saturday, April 26 comes….everything is normal, however, Gerald was a little more interested in not only what I was gonna wear and what I was gonna say, but also about what color HE was gonna wear. If anybody is gonna be a rebel, it would be him and not me, so why was he so interested in wearing brown? I didn’t even think he was gonna go and I jokingly suggested that maybe he needed to stay home so he wouldn’t hear me speak the truth about marriage.

So, April’s party was supposed to start at 5pm and because Shon is known to believe that 5pm really means 6:30 pm or 7pm, I suggested that we leave home at 5pm. Shon calls Gerald and tells him that people are at her house early. This was odd. OK. I hadn’t made up my mind about what I was wearing, but what I did know was that I was NOT wearing pink and brown….maybe one or the other, but not both. (You have to understand that my cousin tries to tell me what to do all of the time, so I was resisting.) I was about to put on some jeans with a brown top and some heels. Gerald was like…”Naahhh, don’t wear jeans. (Hmmmm. Now this guy, WILL tell me if he likes something I’m wearing but he never really says much about what he thinks I should wear.) So, I decided on brown and green…….at least I had SOME brown on. Ya know? As we were preparing to leave at 4:30 pm, Gerald’s friend Calvin calls him and I KNOW I heard Cal say, “I need directions,” as Gerald walked out of the room we were in. Hmmmmm. Then, my cell phone rings. Someone asks me to step outside of my house and to look to the right. I didn’t recognize the number or the voice and they clearly pronounced my name right, so it WAS someone who knew me. Gerald asks for my phone. (OK, something IS going on…..) Nevertheless, I was cool because in the back of my mind, Sydney would have told me if something was planned, so I still thought I would just be saying a few words to April.

We leave our house and Gerald is driving and I swear he’s driving AND texting someone….or maybe not. (His phone is ALWAYS ringing.) Not TOO unusual. I call Shon and she answers the phone almost in a whisper (odd) and tells me she’s giving my cousin Shirley directions and she’d call me back. Shirley lives in Dallas, but she’s been to Shon’s house a number of times. So, I’m thinking to myself, “I think she just lied to me!” OK. As we arrive at Shon’s house, I see my aunt Wonder and my cousins from Mississippi and Arizona and thought, “Wow….that’s very sweet of them to come to Houston on April’s behalf.” We get our girls out of the car. (Hey, weren’t we supposed to be dropping them off somewhere?) and proceed to walk to the door. My girls open the door and we walk in and there was a ton of people there and they started clapping. OK. (Maybe I should clap too!) I politely yielded and stepped to the side because apparently April was behind me. Right? Wrong! I stood there for several moments until I understood what they were telling me. They were all there in my honor! My mind was like, “Whhhaaaattt?” I really WAS quite surprised. These sneaky folk had been planning this right under my nose! I really didn’t start to think anything until the Thursday before, but with the fake invitation, Sydney’s denial (under duress I'm certain) and my father-in-law’s appearance, it all seemed “normal”. And they know I’m very much a face value person. What you see is what you get. I ain’t a snooper and I try not to read between the lines (too much work and you may be wrong) and whatever you tell me (unless I have reason to believe otherwise) is exactly what it is.

So, I stepped into the sauna....I mean, house, and I see my pastor, my family and friends from elementary, middle school, high school and college, friends of Gerald and mine, a coworker….gosh. I was still trying to grasp the fact that they were all there because of me. WOW! You came from the north and south sides of Houston, LaPorte, TX, Pearland, TX, Katy,TX, Richmond,TX, Lancaster TX, Monroe, LA, Bossier City, LA, Grambling, LA, Vicksburg, MS, Tucson, AZ, Las Vegas, NV and Vallejo, CA. Even my cousin who’d moved back to the states a little over a week before from Kazakhstan was there. This all was so very sweet. Oh my! You drove across town or drove several hours just to be there for me or you dropped by after you’d just landed at the airport from your honeymoon or you booked your flight to Houston with not much notice or you just came AND you brought a guest who’d never met me, but cared enough to come or if you weren’t able to come, you thought about me and sent a message or card anyway….. You told me that you read my story and that you’ve passed this site on to many people to share in my journey. (You seemed to really like it.) My, my my. THEN, you spoke about a girl who you thought was courageous…one who was calm and patient….one who was kind…..one who never seemed to complain…..one who was special. You said that you always thought this girl seemed to ‘have it together’ from years ago……. You called me your hero. I was really blown away! As you spoke and we all cried, I kept thinking to myself, “WHO are they talking about? I WANNA meet this girl. She sounds pretty cool.” I knew yall probably liked me, but it was very clear to me then that you loved me….

Gosh... The praise dancers were awesome! Ah….yes…I AM blessed AND highly favored! The food was excellent and the chocolate cake and the pecan pie were oh so delicious! You were extremely thoughtful in your gifts to me and you were very generous in sharing not only words of encouragement, but also your money!

For the record, it was a very humbling experience to be in your presence and to feel your love. I am sincerely grateful for you and I appreciate your kindness to me!

While, I’m not sure about all of the people who helped Shon to organize and conceal this beautiful evening, I do know that it was no small task. To Arnolia, Cynthia, Sharon S. and the employees of Fleetcor (Stephanie, Brigitte, Mannie, Kim, Laura, Ursula & Faisal), thank you for helping Shon keep it together. She tells me that it was actually you who did all of the work!

(I know it wasn’t easy for her as I resisted.)

Yall made a sista cry. As I write, the words ‘thank you’ are so very weak, as they don’t come close to what I would like to convey to you, but please know that my sincerity is real. I’m really grateful to know you’re in my corner. You’ve touched my life, simply by your love. As I plagiarize and use words I saw on a breast cancer site: “Cancer is scary. Cancer is destructive. Cancer is painful. Cancer is so many things – but cancer is limited. It cannot cripple love. It cannot shatter hope. It cannot kill friendship. It cannot corrode faith. It cannot destroy peace. It cannot suppress memories. It cannot silence courage. It cannot invade the soul. It cannot steal eternal life. It cannot conquer the spirit.” (and using words of my own) “It cannot take away the love of a family.”

It’s true……..my wig was wet, my head was sweating, my eyebrows were melting and my breast prosthesis was sticking to me, but on this day, April 26, 2008, there was no other place I would have rather been…..at Shon’s house, experiencing true love from my family! THANK YOU!!!!

In the words of my cousin Shon, and being ebonically correct, (even though she laughs at me when I do so), “Yall DID DAT!”

Me and my cousin Shon…..

Thank you GOD for giving me a loving and wonderful family.

Thank you: Shon, mama, Gerald, Pops, Shirley, Elaine, Wonder, Sydney, Kim, Arnolia, Joe, Cynthia, Wilma, Toni, Joyce, Gerry, Garrick, Felitha, April, Sharon Solari, Rhonda, Carter, De De, Deborah, Kathy, Lo,Sharon C. Johnson, Frank & Orelia Crump, Pastor Rutledge, Jolita, Correy, Laurie, Mary, Delores, Deljuana, Tracey, Patrice, Monica, Aunt Rosena, Dan, Carolin, Thomas, Iliana, Kevin, Lynette, Domasque, Shakia, Wisley, Mechelle, Uncle Gene, Cecelia and Edwin & family, Erika Jones, Trina, Bobby, Jonathan, Carolyn Webb, Karlos, Betty, Calvin, Angela, Cha Cha, Nicola, TaWanna, Sis. Malone, Benny, Snoop, Ron, Claudia, the Sacrificial Souls of Praise….hope I didn’t miss anybody….if I did, yall know I still suffer from ‘chemo brain’.

Also, thank you to those who knew about the party, but were not able to come and join us, but you thought about me anyway. I appreciate you!

Whew! That was a lot to write! (So, Shon, this is why it took so long to update…..plus it really takes a long time to type and format. More importantly, I had to send my Thank You cards out first. I do have SOME manners. Ya know?)

Ronnetta, TX
Infiltrating (or invasive) Ductal Carcinoma (IDC)