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| 25. I Ain't Gone Nowhere |
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June 1, 2008 - I ain’t gone nowhere….…just been gettin used to my new “normal” life. Thanks for checking on me!
A couple of updates: The knot that was on my arm has disappeared! (Talkin bout glad!) A few weeks ago, I visited my surgeon for him to drain the seroma from my chest and to find out what the ultrasound findings of my arm were and he told me that the knot was indeed a cyst and that it would need to removed in the operating room….i.e.…another surgery. Darn! I wasn’t feeling this. I was hoping that he would tell me that he could stick it with a needle and draw whatever it was out and send me home. Ya know? Yes, I still loathe needles, but it beats returning to surgery any day. Okaaayyy. I was in no rush to set a date. Well, later that same week I noticed that the knot had decreased in size. (Yea!) Don’t know if it’s related to the seroma or not, but it’s all good. The knot is so small now that it’s not noticeable, so for now, unless it gets larger or starts to hurt, I think I’m just gonna watch it. My surgeon is ok with this and suggested that the knot was probably a blood clot……cancer tends to grow or get larger. I have progressed from having my blood checked weekly to now going once a month! This is big to me. My white blood count was still lingering in the low area at 3.1 when I was last tested (May 12, 2008), but that was up from the 2.2/2.3 levels from prior weeks. I’m guessing that this is ok considering my history of having low white blood counts. I also got my port flushed with saline and will have this done monthly until it is removed. (You can see my port clearly in the picture I posted of me and Shon. It’s under that bump you see on my chest.) The only downside to this progression is that I really miss seeing everyone in my oncologist’s office. They’re such cool people. (I think I have some attachment issues.....) 
My hair is growing back really fast (not really)….of course it's been an excruciatingly slow process, but if I look at a picture of me two months ago when I had my last treatment and look at myself now, it's easy to see that some thangs have been goin on. I just have to think of it in terms of slow motion. It’s very fine like a “cashmere” sweater, as Gerald puts it. (More like a tennis ball to me.) I actually have a hair line now….AND some baby eyebrows and eyelashes. I’ve even stopped drawing my eyebrows! Watch out there now!  Yall know I was struggling with this eyebrow and eyelash business. No, it’s really not about the hair, but uhm….yea…maybe it WAS to some extent. (I’m kidding) For a while, I had this Yoda look going on. My hair has been growing well around my ears, but it's still mostly bald near the crown. But hey, it’s hair and I’ll take what I can get right now.
In any case, I HAVE stopped sporting my wig everywhere I go. YUP. I’d progressed from just doing it around the house and then I’d venture to the grocery store….then to work…..now just everywhere. It’s just been a little TOO hot lately for all the extra hair right now…..O naturale is what you’re going to see for a while….until I change my mind, of course (which may be by the end of the week. Who knows? Don't get me wrong, I mean, I've been cool with my wigs now for several months and I haven't abandoned them completely YET, but it's just what's the deal NOW.) So at this moment, I guess I am truly no longer bound by HAIR! (No checking to see if my wig is crooked. .....no worrying about my scalp sweating.......no holding on to my wig for fear of the wind attacking......) 
(Don't know what's up with the spacing.....that bugs me!) In other news….I went to see two plastic surgeons regarding my breast reconstruction options. Yes, I will be getting another “breast”. Shortly after I had my mastectomy, I went through a stage of not wanting reconstructive surgery.….cause it really didn’t bother me to just have one breast, but over time I’ve changed my mind…AGAIN. I went from initially feeling like there was absolutely NO WAY that I could just have a mastectomy and not have immediate reconstructive surgery to feeling very comfortable with one breast without any additional surgery to definitely wanting the reconstructive surgery. I’ve met many women who opt not to do reconstructive surgery as well as several who have had it and the one thing I've observed is that we’re all very different. I appreciate your concern, but I don’t know that there is a WRONG decision in any of this. I am choosing to have the surgery done. I’m young, vibrant and if ever there was a time in my life in which I was in tune to my womanhood, it’s now. Nope, having one breast does not make me feel any less of a woman and that has never been an issue for me, but I’m feeling very womanly! (Today, that is.) The girl that I often refer to as myself is slowly growing up to be this WOman. I ain’t there yet, but nevertheless, it’s an awesome experience! There are several options available for breast reconstructive surgery. The one that I was most interested in initially was what they call the “TRAM Flap” procedure. This stands for traverse rectus abdominis mycutaneous flap. (I looked it up!) Essentially when you have the TRAM flap procedure performed you have abdominal fat and muscle removed and transferred or tunneled up to the breast area, leaving you with a new breast and a flat tummy. Can you say “tummy tuck” with me please? Let’s say it together, “T-u-m-m-y Tuck!” Good. Repeat. “Tum-my Tuck!” Great. OK. There are other procedures available that include having breast implants or actually using fat from your back or buttocks and transferring it to the breast area. With the TRAM flap procedure, however, because your abdominal muscles are removed, you lose that capacity in the abdominal area and a few people who have had the procedure done have told me that they have had to learn how to compensate for this loss as far as learning how to bend and stoop, etc. and that we depend on our ab muscles quite a bit.
There are also procedures called the DIEP and SIEA flaps and they offer the “tummy tuck” too, but they leave the abdominal muscle intact while just removing blood vessels (from the abdomen or the fatty layers below the skin in the abdomen), fat and skin from the abdomen. I’ve only recently (this year)….ok…excuse me…..I’ve only recently found out pretty much about all of this…but even moreso have I learned about the DIEP and SIEA flaps. The surgical procedure for having the TRAM and the DIEP or SIEA flaps is several hours long and requires about a 4-5 day hospital stay. Recovery time varies, but you can assume a few weeks of limited physical mobility. (Yes, I think this is what really had me freaking out last year.) So…I wrote all of that to say that I met with a plastic surgeon who performs the TRAM and I met with one who specializes in the DIEP and SIEA flaps. Essentially all of the doctors - the plastic surgeon that I was going to use last year, my current surgeon and the two plastic surgeons that I saw recently - told me the same thing: they did not think that I had enough abdominal fat to make a breast comparable in size to my right breast. (What?!) Obviously the fat that I see and what they saw was not the same thing. (Does flab count? ) The procedure can still be performed, but I’d probably be a little lopsided. I concluded that their individual preferences would be for me to have breast implants. It does not require the extensive hospital stay and I can choose what size I want to be. Size doesn’t particularly matter to me, (although I prefer smaller sizes, but having the option to "choose" is nice...just in case....) but what does matter, at this point, is that I have something there. Ya know? So because of what they were telling me, I decided to “put on a couple of pounds” before I was scheduled to see the last plastic surgeon. (This plastic surgeon specializes in the DIEP and SIEA flaps.) But, I was a little hesitant about making this next visit because I didn’t think anything would be different. I made the appointment and waited. As the day approached, I called the plastic surgeon’s office to tell the nurse that I was thinking of cancelling because of what the others had told me and she told me that because the DIEP and SIEA flap procedures are what this doctor specializes in, that perhaps she could “find” more fat to use. So…I went. The doctor told me that the procedure could be performed, but that I needed to gain 5 or 6 pounds beforehand so that there would be more fat to work with. (Hey…didn’t I just DO that?) I would still be lopsided once the procedure is done, but I can have an implant inserted later if I choose, to give my breast some “symmetry”. What a nice problem to have you say? I guess. I stressed hard to lose those 15 pounds! Really. OK, this is doable. Also, at some point after the reconstructive surgery, I will have my right breast lifted. Yup….that gravity ain’t no joke! I have a few months before my surgery will be scheduled (to be determined -September or October of this year), so if I choose, I can take care of those 5 pounds in one sitting. It’s true…if I don’t have anything weighing heavily on me (stress), I normally have a VERY hearty appetite. I maintain my weight very well within a pound or three, and only seem to really GAIN weight when I’m pregnant, but oh, let some stress appear and my appetite and weight both drop with ease. Although I call it "The Stress Diet", there's no REAL dieting necessary. (Don’t try this at home.) OK, that ain't funny. So, if things keep progressing, I’ll have no problem adding some fat.
It’s settled. I will use this doctor and have the (DIEP or SIEA flap – to be determined during surgery) procedure later this year. (I like the idea of keeping my ab muscles.) I’ll keep you posted regarding the date. I agreed to be photographed so that my pictures could be used to show other patients before and after surgery results. I’ve looked at many of these types of pictures and uhm…yea….they ALL look horrific.  I’m agreeing for mine to be used because NONE (and I've seen a LOT of pictures) of the body types that I saw, looked like mine. Sure, some of the women had more fat, but I’ve got fat/flab AND some other things going on….surely there’s someone else out there who may benefit from knowing what happens in cases like mine. I HAVE seen a woman (in person) who had a TRAM procedure and the lady looked absolutely gorgeous! I also saw her before and after photos and had I not seen her body, I would not have believed that the pictures were of her. Again, the pictures just don’t do justice in my opinion. I think that you certainly have to want the procedure done because the pictures can really be a deterrent if that’s the only thing you have to go by. I have yet to see any picture that leaves me feeling like I just HAVE to have the procedure. They always make me think to myself “Uhm…Thanks, but no thanks.”
So, as the doctor took pictures of me, I felt like I was “on display”. (There was her nurse and her assistant in the room.) Nope…ain’t never been a model, never had photos taken anywhere close to the ones that were being taken of me, and I don’t have a lot of “body image” issues, but it made me feel very much on blast…..maybe I WON’T agree to share these pictures! I had been trying to “gain” weight prior to seeing this doctor and I thought that I was successful and that the fat went exactly where I wanted it to go – to my abdomen/midsection, but on this day – my belly was really protruding and I think I had just finished eating breakfast, so I felt full and very fat. Turns out, I was severely BLOATED. (Ain't used to that either.) WHAT?! With that, a few days later, my days as a menopausal woman were over. Yup. It was so short lived! (Who'da thought I'd want it to stay?!) It would have been so nice, as I journeyed, if I had the option of choosing the things that I would have liked to keep and eliminate those things that should just not be. Imagine….”I’ll take one menopause without hot flashes…two stay-put sets of eyebrows AND eyelashes…no, I don't mind hair loss in most other places........yes, I’ll keep the compassionate doctors and nurses…and uhm yea….let’s get rid of the need for the drug Neupogen, please…..” That's all I got for now. All is well.
Thank you - Stephanie S., Marvin, Rhodeshia, Varnada, Dorothy, Winnie, Dwight |
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