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26. I Wasn't Gon Do This Alone

26. I Wasn't Gon Do This Alone

August 3, 2008 - Just a note: you can tell when folks ain’t doing so well….They call you on the phone every day. They snot on your shoulder. They sit at your doorstep waiting for you to come home. And when all is better, they are nowhere to be found. You don’t necessarily hear from them for a time. And when you call their name, they may turn around as if to say, “Do I know you?” (Not that I would know about any of this. Perhaps I’ve just observed this before.) Although I haven’t written in a while and I’m not wiping my nose on your shirt anymore, it may appear that I’m one of those people. But, just so you know…..shhhh…..I think I might actually BE one of those people!!! (Oh my!) Just kidding. (I would not deny you if you called my name.

) Really. I guess it’s all good…..my life has taken on a bit of normalcy and I LIKE!!!! Again, I appreciate your checking on me. This girl’s good.

It’s been over a year since I discovered the lump in my left breast and thereafter experienced what has been one of the most transforming periods in my life. I am not the same girl who started writing this story last year. There’s only been perhaps a couple of times I’ve felt this way, but I’ve literally FELT myself growing over the last year! Sure, I’ve always been mature about most things but this “growth” (in my mind), hasn’t always been apparent. I’ve had to make some ‘big girl’ decisions. Who’da thought? I almost feel like the kid on the Huggies commercial who now wears pull-ups (“I’m a big kid now!”)

Some time ago, I saw a picture of a stern-looking woman and the caption below it read, “Put Your Big Girl Panties On and Deal With It!”, and it so reminds me of what I’ve had to do. So since then, when my girls start whining or complaining, I get within an inch of their face and scowl and belt out “PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND DEAL WITH IT!!!” What I’m saying is, I kinda feel like the past year has made me put my big girls on! I’m totally in another place right now. I’m much smarter (wiser)…..and I’m not talking about intellect. Go ahead….ask me something! Anything!

Every single day since my days of DOOM, I have been asking myself, “What in the….h..world (yes, that’s the word I want) does this all mean?!” Surely there’s gotta be some meaning behind this. And perhaps, I actually DO have some answers....

In 2003, my attitude when the breast cancer diagnosis was my reality, was, ‘Why not me?’ Ya know? The year 2007 came and I did not utter ‘Why not me’. I was like, “WHY me lawd? Why ME?”, Gulp! Gulp! “I ain’t did nothin to nobody!”, Gulp! Gulp! “Waaaaaaa!” Sniff Sniff. Snott. Snott. “A teeee!” “A teeee!” (OK. Let me stop. I almost wanna laugh

, but thinking about it now is making my eyes start to water….) I wallowed HARD in pity of my circumstances. (And I don’t even know if “wallowed” is a word, but I like using it for some reason.) I was a complete mess!

Shortly after the year 2007 started, I experienced tragedy in a way that still finds me coping today. And around the time that I was having to make decisions regarding having a mastectomy, chemo, reconstructive surgery, wigs, etc., Gerald’s mother was critically ill. So, we were both weighed down and I’m sure he was trying to hold it together for me and I was trying to hold it together for him AND for my girls. (Cause I’m strong like that. Ya know?

) Don’t laugh. (I won’t share my thoughts at the time, but they were pretty dour.) He was having to travel a number of times to California to be by his mother’s side and it just happened that he always needed to leave around the time I was scheduled for surgery and he’d be gone for about a week at a time. I mean, really, one week, I’d be fine and she wasn’t. The next week, she’d be fine and I was trippin. Then, for a time, she seemed to get worse. The stress was toxic. I wasn’t trying to play my Genesis 2:24 card, but I had it in my pocket……just in case. (I always like to be prepared.) I know that’s not so nice, but it’s true. (To Gerald’s credit, he’s always been clear about his priorities, so it was really just my mind trippin.

) I’ve heard it said, ‘I didn’t know if I was comin or goin….’, and that was truly my reality at the time. I was probably GOIN out of my mind, I’m sure, but nevertheless I had to DECIDE to change the way I was looking at things.

No, I was not always positive. And no, I didn’t always bless myself with encouragement. My thoughts and words were not always reflective of the person you’ve come to know by reading this story. (And yes, although I’m very clear about some things now, I have grown apathetic about a few things too. This is all so weird.) I didn’t always smile and I certainly didn’t find ANY humor in anything that was going on. There were days when I did in fact break down and had anyone even uttered “hello” to me, I would have shattered like glass. (If you stood too close to me, you might have gotten cut!)

I’m sorry that I didn’t invite all of you to the many pity parties that I consistently threw myself at the time, but those types of parties happened in a moment's notice and got crowded really quickly, so if you came to one with me, please know that I still appreciate you tremendously. Your support meant a lot! (Ah, yes. I remember!) Let’s see….there was the party I had about lymphedema (I was more concerned about it than I mentioned)… there was the one I had the day before my first surgery …..there was the one I had about HIVES……ah yea….there was one when I started losing my hair, there was probably at least one about Gerald….can’t think of them all at the moment, but YOU may remember a few!

) In any case, I thank you again for listening, for encouraging, for suggesting….when you saw that I was physically and emotionally distraught.

After a while, though, I have to tell you that even during my days of DOOM, I started to think, ‘Well, at least I was able to see 35 years.’ ‘At least I got a chance to experience some things.’ ‘At least I spent time with my girls.’ ‘At least I knew what a good meal was like.’ ‘At least I had a family that loved me.’ ‘At least I knew what love was.’ ‘At least I was breathing.’ ‘At least I wasn’t suffering.’ ‘At least I’ve been able to show some people that I loved them.’ ‘At least….’ ‘At least….’ ‘At least……’ The list went on and on and I thanked God for all He’d allowed me to be at that moment.

And then, that’s when my outlook changed. But by no means did I do it alone……..

I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you up front, but I hope that you realized that once you read my Introduction in Chapter 1 that I wasn’t gon go through this alone. I didn’t know what I would say or how I would say it, but I wanted to write in a way in which you could relate to me. My intent has been to be very open and honest while being as tactful as I could be. I wanted to be purely as I am….no pretense…..no cover-ups…..just ME.

(Oops. Speaking of honesty and before I forget, NO, I don’t actually tell the ‘big girl panties’ thing to my girls, but at times I do scowl and get in their face just to make sure they understand me.)

OK. Back to the story……

I wanted YOU to be a part of my story. (I wasn’t tryin to trap you or nothin, but we were gon be in this together! Just YOU and ME!)

That’s why I held on to your words, your deeds, your love……(I know. I know. I can really be sentimental when I wanna be, huh?

) So I hope that you’ve been able to visualize my talking to you through my written words. I wanted us to be joint at the hip (or chest or head) like a pair of Siamese twins.

I wanted you to be immersed in my world.....if only for a moment or so. I wanted you to feel me? Feel me?

I hope that you felt me pull you by your arm to travel on this journey with me. Page by page, as my story evolved, I hope that you felt compelled to continue with me, whether you started back in September 2007 or you just recently joined me.

I hope that when I told you about what happened in 2003, that you could relate. Have you ever had certain things occur to you that you just couldn’t believe? That you thought…..”Hmmm, I so understand”.

When I told you about my oncologist leaving the room and coming back with his needle in hand to do a needle biopsy to my left breast with no anesthesia, did you sense my anguish?

When the days of DOOM were a part of my reality, could you imagine my despair?

When the dermatologist told me that I had hives, could you imagine my shock?

Can you even believe that I stressed SO hard that I DID in fact get hives?

When my surgeon mentioned meditation to me, did you think of Tina Turner?

When Germayne and Jayme woke me up on October 9, 2007 to pray, could you relate to us kicking them out of our room?

Did your eyes swell when Germayne read me her scripture?

Have you ever had Benadryl before?

Did you cringe when the nurse offered me a shot of Neupogen in my belly?

Did you realize that I really was on the edge of a crack up when my hair started failing out?

Could you feel my pain when I learned that my grandmother had died?

Did you know that chemo induced constipation ain’t NOOOO joke?

Did you know that “chemo brain” is some real stuff?

Where you able to contain yourself when my wig went on a journey of its own?

Could you identify “the look” I talked about?

Did you know that I absolutely HATED drawing my eyebrows?!

Have you ever experienced a hot flash?

Did you know that it really does get hot (especially in a city like Houston) when you’re wearing a wig?

Could you identify with my frustration over insurance (coverage issues and referrals)?

Did you know that in addition to you, that my girls helped me more than they know?

Did you sense my excitement as I neared the end of my chemo treatments?

Did you get tired of me talking about those darn Neupogen injections?

Had you heard of “eyebrow wigs” before?

Do you know people who ALWAYS give you their 2 cents?

Do you know any medical professionals or a doctor that you just simply LOVE?

Did you know that I would have to keep my port or did you think I was getting my port removed once my treatments were completed?

Were you a part of Shon’s conspiracy to embrace me?

Did you know that it warmed my heart to be in your presence…..to feel your embrace…..to hear and read your encouragement?

Do you really understand my sincerity when I tell you how grateful I am to have crossed paths with you? ......cause I’m tellin ya, I wasn’t gon do this alone!

Thank you - Stephanie Dillings, Vanessa Gaines, Sharon Davis, Amber Tribbey, Deanna, Taneka

Ronnetta, TX
Infiltrating (or invasive) Ductal Carcinoma (IDC)