If you asked me a few weeks ago how I was doing I would have simply said, "great!" and left it at that.  Now if you ask me, be prepared because you may get a longer answer and one without the sugar coating.  ;>)

I really am doing great -- I am so happy with my life right now.  And I hate moaning and groaning because my life really is incredible and I am so totally blessed!  But what I'm struggling with right now is the ability to really understand what the last 9 months have meant to me.  It still feels so surreal to me and I'm just now understanding that I never quite realized it or believed that it was even happening to me.

I don't say this because I feel like I should dwell on it because that's just not who I am.  But I can't keep running away from it ... and that is absolutely what I've been doing since I was diagnosed back in December.  I've never felt like I was running away ... I always felt like I was strong and brave.  And I am those things for sure!  But I am also very afraid to face it - to realize it - to understand it - to grieve.

I was speaking with Paul, a good friend of mine about all of this just yesterday.  We are personal and business friends, and for the next little bit he is going to be my "coach" and help me to work through some of the barriers that may be getting in the way of building up my business and coming to closure on a few things in my life ... the cancer being one of them.

He asked me to think about two words -- vulnerable and scared -- and what the possibilities would be for me to allow those things to happen.  Yuck!  No thank you!  What those two words mean to me is "I'm totally scared to be vulnerable."  Now I have to understand why.  On the surface it would be easy to suggest that I need to be strong for my family and friends.  It would also be easy to say that being vulnerable, to me, would show a sign of weakness.  I don't want to be weak.  Case closed!

But that's where the problem lies.  If I am going to close this case - find closure - be complete - then I need to allow myself to be vulnerable and scared.  Again, I say "YUCK!"  But I do understand why this needs to happen, and I am finally prepared to find ways to get there ... one being writing more on my site.  And writing honestly without the sugar coating.

If you're reading this, please know I am doing great.  Really!  There's no need to worry or be concerned.  Quite the opposite, actually.  Know that I am doing what I need to do ... finally ... so I can heal physically and emotionally.  Also know that I in no way intend for every writing from here on in to be deep and heavy.  It's too tiring to be that way all the time.  So occasionally I will allow myself to break away from the "brave, can handle everything" Wendy and spill my guts a bit.  It really is helping.