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28. Men Really ARE from Mars

28. Men Really ARE from Mars

Or at least I thought mine was. (Yea, I said it!)

Uh oh. Uhm. Let me see. Yea, I was just saying that men are from Mars right?

Only because I know a few women who are married with children who are currently making their journey through breast cancer and because you’ve not been shy about asking, am I even addressing this. By no means is my intent to expose anything. But yall all knew that right? That men really ARE from Mars right? Or is it just me?

But just so you know that maybe you aren’t alone, or better yet, I know that I ain’t alone. (OR, perhaps this IS just MY reality.) Here goes (written as my husband looks over my shoulder, so do your best reading between the lines {*wink wink*})

Having a diagnosis of breast cancer or any illness, I’m sure, probably affects every aspect of a person’s life. Or at least for me, everything in my life was altered – my sense of existing heightened; my emotions were raw; my body was physically altered; *intimacy was interesting* - you name it, whether good or bad, things changed for me.

Last year as things went on in my life, one question that I heard very often was, “How is Gerald handling everything?” and at FIRST I didn’t understand the REAL question. The real question was (thank you Mary F. for breaking it down for me), “Is Gerald acting adversely?” (my nice translation for, ‘Is Gerald trippin or acting a fool?’.) No, I don’t live in a bubble and I’m not oblivious to EVERYTHING, but I didn’t really realize that some men actually leave or *show their donkeys* when their spouses or loved ones get sick. (I have heard some disturbing things that people have experienced and I would hope that no one tolerates mistreatment from anyone. PERIOD.) I mean, after I thought about it, one guy I know came to mind, who just straight up acted like a donkey when his wife was very ill and needed him the most, but that was not very different from the opinion I had of him anyway, so I didn’t consider him. It just didn’t occur to me (at the time) that some men process illness, grief, stress, etc. much differently from women. Hence, my Mars analogy. Now mind you, I’ve never read the book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, so I can only imagine the content and what I share may not have anything to do with the book.

OK, but you wanna hear about this guy I call my husband…..Gerald. Hmmm. OK.

There’s three sides to every story. Your side, my side and the TRUTH. Well, here’s the truth (no matter WHAT he tells you):

Before I begin, you must know that Gerald and I share a lot in common, but our personalities are starkly different. If you know anything about personality types, he has a true “Type A” personality and while I may exhibit some Type A traits occasionally, I would characterize myself as having a very mild “Type B” personality and over the years we’ve kinda rubbed off on each other. OK. Here’s the scoop:

I am fortunate to have a husband….no…..uhm….if I could give a letter grade regarding how Gerald treated me….nah….uhm….he’s telling me to tell you that….er uhm….nah. (Brother PLEASE!) Uhm…..If there was a person who saw me during my most vulnerable times when I was not necessarily pleasant to be around but who steadfastly stood in my corner, it was my husband, Gerald. OK. That’s essentially it. What I’m really saying is that overall, Gerald did a great job making sure that I had what I needed and/or wanted as I dealt with everything that seemed to rock my world.

Now I say “overall” because remember last year when he had to travel several times to California to go be with his mother when she was ill? Well, during that time, he was also serving as a coach for a little league football team and when he wasn’t travelling and was at home, he’d be at practice most evenings or at the football games that lasted *ALL DAY* (exaggeration) on Saturdays. (That’s all good and everything, but remember, we have three daughters and NO sons and our girls weren’t even cheerleaders at the time, so really for me, it wasn’t critical that he be there. Ya know?) OK. Fine dude.

Now, he did tell me as things were getting chaotic for us that he needed to stay “busy”. OK. This was nothing for me because to me, he normally keeps a full schedule. Now, what I did not realize was that he meant he wasn’t ready to talk about anything at the time, so I felt like he wasn’t acknowledging everything that was going on and had shut himself off from the realities of illness that we were dealing with. We were never at odds with one another and were *functioning as a couple* as we always had and we talked about a lot, BUT I felt that there was a void between us for a few weeks. The guy that I used to be able to talk to about most things had moved - to Mars I’m sure. I did not know what happened to my husband. It was like my diagnosis was not real and that we were living in totally different worlds!

At the time, the football team was practicing 3 or 4 days a week and that meant that Gerald would get home after 8pm (when our girls go to bed). So this meant that I would pick up all three girls after work and go home and cook, do homework, make sure they had their baths and were in bed on time (cause remember I lose my cool when they’re up “after hours”) and then, only after they were in bed could I even think about the things I needed to do. (Literally, from the moment I would open my door at home, I would be busy until my girls would go to bed. I always tell people that the job I get paid to do is quite simple compared to my REAL job which starts once I get home.) Now mind you, for the most part, although we would rotate picking up the girls, etc. depending on our schedules, this was our norm, but I had some emotional things going on and I was extremely fragile mentally and I felt very much overwhelmed. This was very draining for me. Our girls were initially oblivious to any real detail about everything that was going on, but there were a few days when my sanity was just not right. So what I really wanted, at the time (and I’m not a “needy” wife by any means - I mean that in a most positive way), was for him to sulk with me…cause that’s exactly what I was doing all of the time then. I wanted him to come home and sit in the dark with me and indulge me as I snotted and talked about my impending death.

YES, that’s horrible and NO he did NOT do that for me. On the same note though, I didn’t want him treating me differently because I didn’t want any pity and I must say, he DIDN’T do that either. Dang dude! (OK. My bad….I have to believe that had Gerald actually KNOWN my feelings at the time that he would have responded accordingly and I admit that I didn’t even offer him much regarding what I was feeling at the time. I mean, he had a lot he was dealing with too, so instead of me burdening him with my woes, I retreated. I pretty much grieve in private and I withdrew into my own world too, so he probably figured that things were just fine. That’s so very crazy!) Yes, men really ARE from Mars and NO, they DON’T read minds either!

What he DID do, however was quite a bit. No, he ain’t the ‘oh honey let me pickest thou up for thou hast fallen’ type of guy. And yes, he is a man of many words, but it wasn’t his words that I remember so much as it was how he treated me when I needed him most. Unlike me, he’s a perfect caregiver. (It’s true. I would probably mess you up if I had to take care of you if you were sick. {Please stay away!} I would not be the greatest medical doctor or nurse…..AT ALL!) He has always been very attentive to my needs and desires. So, with that said, I must note how grateful I am that He chose me to be his wife. OK. (So he told me to write that part….) Yes, I do remind him from time to time how lucky he is to have me.

Other than him suddenly becoming more reserved (and me even moreso), he voluntarily accompanied me to several of my appointments. For every decision that I’ve had to make, he never pressured me in any way and he’d always tell me that he would support whatever I wanted to do. (However, *I DO know his preferences* - especially regarding reconstruction - and even if I went contrary to what I thought that he wanted for me, he just let me be. I thought that he’d have a problem with me having one breast and NO body hair, but I think that these were issues more suited for me than him and that for him (and I don’t intend to be crude), as long as *everything worked*, he was just fine.)

When I would have work related travel and when I was in the hospital, he took excellent care of our girls. (Yes, people would always seem surprised that he’d keep the girls. Well, of course!) He drove me to each of my chemo treatments (although at first I was resistant. “Hey, I can drive myself! I’m not handicapped! You don’t need to be there ALL day!” I fussed!) No, I didn’t require anyone to sit with me during my treatments (although my mother refused to listen). In fact, I preferred to be alone. He would wait with me as I received my “pre-meds” and as the Benadryl would take over and I’d fall asleep, he’d leave for the day and he’d return just as I would wake up to drive me home. When my mood was sour, he would try to cheer me up with his quirky sense of humor. (It didn’t always work, cause sometimes only HE gets his humor, but he tried….) When my frame of mind changed and my *desires dissipated*, we continued to love each other ingeniously. He was the parent that everyone at the school knew because he was the one picking the girls up every day. He was the one cooking a few meals (although it didn’t last very long). OK. My bad. It DID last long. It really DID….…

(He’s saying he won’t cook again!) When my girls would make me lose my cool, he’d immediately defuse the situation, cause they all know that when I lose my patience, which is rare, they’d be better off in Hades……. He totally picked up the slack for me. (That first month was wonderful!!!) OK, he didn’t like that last statement either. (Please disregard!) I’m kidding. Really.

Over the holidays last year, we’d travelled to California to visit his family and he told me that he wanted me to have some time to myself, so he and our girls stayed in California while I returned home for a week. I must admit, I REALLY appreciated that, even if it meant that he’d bring it up constantly once they returned home. I mean, the first couple of days were eerily weird for me with complete silence in the house, but by day #3, I was good to go. By the time they returned home, I was annoyed that they’d interrupted my serenity! (I know, that’s sad huh?)

Had Gerald not bought into the “surprise” that Shon planned on my behalf, it would have never worked. He knows how very stubborn I can be and if I don’t want to do something or go somewhere, you’d better believe it ain’t even happening!

The guy was there for me and I’m extremely grateful for that. We often joke that some people, when they do things for their spouses or children, act as if they are doing something special, when in fact it’s usually things they SHOULD be doing anyway. So, I’ve been a little slow about writing about him because in essence, he only did what (in our minds) he was supposed to be doing anyway. It was nothing really out of the ordinary as far as I was concerned.

Of course I do realize how easy it is to bash those closest to us or take them for granted and to assume the people know how you feel about them and it was no different with Gerald. And I DO know that just because things are great one day, that doesn't mean that your world can't be turned upside down in a moment's time. And I do realize how blessed I am that I didn’t have to deal with any issues between us. I’m extra grateful that I didn’t have to lose my couth with him. (Yes, I’m kind on purpose…I’ve practiced it for some time now, but don’t make me go off on you!

) And I do realize how very important it is to let people know how you feel about them (especially if you love them), so I did tell him a time or two how much his support meant to me. (Now he’s saying he doesn’t remember!!!) See, that’s why you can’t share niceties to some people……they’ll claim memory loss!

Now don’t get me wrong, Gerald and I are great friends and just because he didn’t show his donkey doesn’t mean that we didn’t have days when we didn’t like each other or that I didn’t have days when I mourned the passage of football season. (Don’t you have practice today or SOMEWHERE to go dude? OK. That was a joke.

) I always fussed because he was SOOOO darn “busy” and he’d growl cause he always said that my hearing was bad and I think sometimes *he just likes growling*. (That was funny!)

I did indeed have a couple of days when I imagined that he really did come from Mars and he probably had many days in which he probably thought that I’d lost my marbles, but I think we both knew what needed to be done and we dealt with whatever was before us at the time.

I can’t complain. The guy digs me.

We are a nice balance to each other and I’m so very blessed to call him my husband and my friend.

..….and that’s my story your honor…the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth as told by me!

*I said a whole lot above, so I hope that you get my essence.*

Thank you Gerald Eaton for being true.