December 30, 2003

There's not a lot to update this week. I saw my Dr. last Friday and everything is going well. He told me a little bit about what to expect with the Taxol treatment. The biggest issue will most likely be muscle soreness and joint pain, which should set in within 48 hours and last 2 or 3 days. Yeeeha....right before my ski trip! Oh well. I may not be able to ski, but I'm going anyway...at least for the social aspect. A group from my chorus goes every year to Wisp, at Deep Creek Lake in Garrett Co. MD. One of our former members has a cabin right on the lake. What a blast!!! I wouldn't miss it for anything, so even if I can't ski, I'll still go! The other issue to watch for will be neuropathy....a numbness in the fingers and toes. That could set in on the first treatment, or wait until the fourth. It will go away when the treatment is over. I will still have low blood counts and my hair won't grow back any time soon....oh well. I'm kinda getting used to it !!! Being bald isn't so bad after all!

I had my blood counts done on Monday the 29th, and everything rebounded just fine from last week....although it took the nurse three tries to get blood out of my veins. She actually "blew out" one of my veins....which basically means it leaked into the surrounding tissue, so now I have a nice bruise! She finally turned it over to the other nurse who succeeded on the third try. And of course, my red counts were just a little low, so I had to get my $2000 shot of Aranesp for that! I felt like a pin cushion. I walked out of there with 3 bandages!

I wanted to share one story with you all, because for me, it was the big "ah-hah" in my cancer journey. My closest and dearest childhood friend has been beside me all the way through my illness, even though she lives just south of San Francisco. Her name is Lise (pronounced Lisa), and I've known her since the 3rd grade, when we were 8 years old. Lise sends me cards every week and sometimes more than one. She calls every few days just to check up on me (mostly to see that I'm getting enough rest!!!). Even though we are in constant touch via email and phone, she will sometimes write me a letter and mail it, you know, with a 37 cent stamp, via snail mail!!! I received one of those letters yesterday, and it was this letter that finally hit home for me. And in fact, it made me cry! (they were happy tears though!)

Lise is five months younger than I am (we're both 44 for anyone who's counting!) and she is pregnant with her first child. This, in and of itself, is a miracle for many reasons, which I won't go into here. She and her husband are beyond excited about having their first child. And so, while she supports me in my journey, I'm doing my best to support her in hers. It's kind of funny to realize we are both 44, and she will be giving birth in February to a son; meanwhile, I'm going through medically induced menopause!!!! Woah...!!! To make a long story longer, I've been baffled a bit by everyone's comments to me about how inspiring I am. So many people have told me that I'm an inspiration, and that they are proud of me. I say "baffled" because I don't understand how getting up every day and just living my life can be an inspiration. But, something Lise said in her letter finally “brought it home” for me.

For many reasons, Lise has to see her doctors quite regularly (she sees more than one), and she has to have tests and get shots just like I do. She has complained about some of the tests and some of the shots....who wouldn't? But in her letter she says......"So today, I was thinking how courageously you have confronted cancer and how your fortitude and determination and yes, your stubbornness to get well, have inspired me in life and especially in my pregnancy. I keep thinking "If Claire can battle cancer with such a positive attitude, what right do I have to complain? Truthfully, you have made it easier for me to see the doctors so frequently and to get shots, even if the nurse hits a nerve, and to tolerate the skin of my tummy stretching to accommodate the baby, because of the grace and intelligence with which you have approached cancer. You inspire me. Every time I get the urge to complain I think, "Ah, try to emulate the grace of Claire in her battle against cancer." Or, I think to myself, "you could be getting chemo dripped into your veins." And then I pause and reflect, and remember that you have had a life filled with challenges, and how gracefully you have embraced that which is difficult, as gracefully as you have embraced music that is beautiful or musicians who work hard and perform well, and that keeps me going. No, it does more than that, it inspires me. I may decide to walk the dog a little bit longer, or I may notice a full moon and write you about it, or I may intently listen to the sound of the rain, or remember the sound of my little son's heartbeat on the fetal monitor and remember as you have taught me, that the universe is filled with music and beauty. We just have to remember to listen for it." (There's a LONG story here about appliances being in the key of B flat, but we won't go into that now!).

At any rate, by now, I was crying as I read her letter....because I finally realized that the way I'm dealing with my illness has been inspirational to many people and I know why!!! People keep telling me how inspiring I am, and how courageous I am and I think "what?" "how?" "I'm just gettin' up every day and doin' my thing...the only way I know how." And well...that would be the whole point!!! like, duh! ;-) I guess me doin' my thing IS an inspiration to others. Because as Lise put it....every day she thinks about how her body has changed due to her pregnancy, or how she worries about getting another shot.....she also considers that she could be having chemicals infused in her veins and she stops thinking about complaining. That one hit home! So, I guess it is a matter of perspective. I see myself just living each day the only way I know how. (which, for the most part is in a very positive, upbeat, humorous fashion), and others see that as inspirational. Because I guess I could be one of those Negative Nellies....you know, the kind that whine and complain all the time about this or that, and live in a world of depression because, for the love of God, how did cancer find them????? But I've taken it in stride and deal with it the only way I know how....which is to face it head on, and mostly with humor! And so, thank you Lise, for helping me to see that my way of living can be an inspiration....because before your letter, I just didn't get it. But now I do!!!

And so, in closing, I would just like to wish everyone a Happy New Year! May 2004 be better than 2003!!!!(at least for me!) I certainly know what I'm wishing for, do you????

p.s. A group from the chorus sang at the White House on Sunday. We didn't get to see the President again, but we did have a great time. Go here to see pictures, more will be added in the coming days: http://www.viennafalls.org/photos/whitehouse2003