4/6/06 Felt like crap today - juggling in my head - should have gone to see mum today but am avoiding it - dont want to tell her "I have cancer" and if I see her - Ill have to tell her - when I do - I wont hold it together - just the thought of telling mum makes me sad - coz the next time I see her - She wont remember. Feeling sad today about family and the loss of my perception of Family. Oh how I wish things were different.
Im sorry this is so deep but thats just where im at. Im so not afraid of dying - Im just not happy at never being able to love my family and seeing their lives blossom and grow. - cancer makes you forget the stupid stuff.
I get pissed off at the idiots and sad at all the maybe and what ifs of life - every moment / event presents you with another question about the ones you love and when you get over the Cancer - what you will do and how you want to live your life like never before - dont waste a moment - dont think of idiots - those who hurt you - have no regrets: Spend every moment with who and what is important and live life as if it was your last.
5/6/06 Back to work - everyone is so wonderfull, kind and lovely to me - I try forget the graity of whats happening to me - I just like to not think about it - pretend that life just goes on - mudge thinks Im an inspiration - Im just doing what I have to.
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