11/10/2006
I felt I had to write this chapter. So please do not be offend by its content as it is not pointed at anyone in particular (and dont stop asking me how I am) but mostly I wanted to try to share how I have been feeling. I hope it helps to create a better understanging.  
Its been six months since my diagnosis & the hardest thing about living it is the emotional impact & one I didnt envisage.
Major up's and downs' that make you crazy emotionally - espacially just recently as its Breast Cancer awareness month & everything is pink.
It has got so bad that I have wanted to run away to nimbin & live with the hippys - no really I have felt like I have to stay locked up at home as it is safer here.
The hardest part of this trip is every where I go I am constaltly reminded that I have cancer.
The stares & questions & well meaning advice.
Its like this thing called cancer is always in my mind every minute of the day and I some times I cant escape the thoughts of cancer and its effects in my life and the posibility of my death being not so far away. Inevitable or NOT when you have Cancer you have no choice but to consider that death from cancer is a posibility no matter how positive your diagnosis is. And sometimes a few people add to that.
Having said that I love to get up each day and put my best positive heart on. I dearly love all my friends and family and adore their love and best wishes.
You can never get enough love when you have cancer. Its the stuff that keeps you going especially when you feel sometimes so very dark & alone.  
Things that help me feel great is:
1. Quick how are you question? are best - not the spanish inquisition (some days Im so over talking about it).
2. The best thing is a BIG HUG it is the nicest thing to recieve when you feel like shit.
3. Call me (if im not up to a call I just wont answer & ill get back to you).
4. have a cuppa with me if you cant do that its OK.
5.But MOST IMPORTANTLY Talk to me about good and wonderful stuff it helps me to create a positive feel around me.  
So many people have offered me help it has overwhealmed me and its not because I dont need your help - but more that I need to do stuff myself - it helps me feel like I am usefull & have some value still. Every time I get an offer of help it leaves me feeling a little helpless (stupid I know - I cant justify that one).
But believe me I have a long list of you wonderful people and if and when I need you I will definately pick up the phone.

The worst thing for me is everyone wants to feel my either bald or new growing hair PLEASE DONT PAT MY HEAD just because I have no hair - believe it or not most people do this & it realy creeps me out!    
So thanks for listening and I hope you understand why I wrote this particular piece.